Folk, please redirect your "attention" to my new blog which I plan to structure much less eratically and far more trash-ily, that is, much more about the crap that I watch as opposed to the crap that I think, although that will probably be there too.
Rants, Raves...and other things beginning with R (or not)
Other benefits: a better font because Helvetica is the font of legends; my views on trashy television crap which may be enlightening, hilarious or just plain old interesting; more opinionated rubbish; etc.
Bad things: It's probably going to suck.
That's always a downer.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Some people mourn, I scour the internet for pictures that make me laugh.
Goodbye Lost. Hellllllo excess amount of icons I found on my computer that centre around Lost! Yeah, yeah, skip if you're a weirdo who doesn't understand the show (yeah, weirdo).
So I have no life, and that was my last little hang on. No more lost, let's focus on...ooh, Glee's on.
Credit where it's due.
"I don't believe in much, but I do believe in duct tape" WARNING: LOST
Caution: If you don't like Lost, spoilers or having your head exploded by shows that are completely convoluted, here you go, my Lost "live" review - it would be live-er (because who wants to write "liver"?) if I had time to post it last night, however I was tired as hell and my brain had just been blown up. However, skip this post if you dislike...Lost. Or the aforementioned thing.
Caution Two: I didn't go easy on the swearing, or the caps locking, or the completely incoherent babble. Those things tend to just fit perfectly to Lost.
Caution three: Holy shit, it's long. Massively long. It was needed, I suppose, but try not to shoot me.
Live Review
Lost – Season Six, THE FINALE OH MY GOD
(No more Lost again, EVER. WHOASERS!)
8:39pm: I'm behind, and I haven't written about Lost in a bajillion years, but OH MY GOD IT'S THE FINAL FINALE EVER GIVE ME SOME ANSWERS PLEASE NOW? Okay, basically the gist of so far is a slow music montage in which Jack's dad's coffin has been recovered and is now at home in the sideways universe. Also some tender Kate/Sawyer moments, Not!Locke being badass and evil and shit and Ben making tea. Now Desmond and Kate are in the cool red sportscar – you had to see the last episode. Kate wants answers, Desmond wants to be cryptic because Desmond appears to be a Jacob-esque figure. Desmond's all “you don't realise it, but I am your friend.” Which is true, because of Island land, but I am SO CONFUSED ALREADY.
8:42: Kate's in the forest, walking around, and there's Jack standing in some water, having a cry. Jack cries, drink. Sawyer seems oddly at ease despite the whole freakabilly of the last few episodes. Jack doesn't feel any different, despite being the new Jacob. He's relaying Jacob's instructions, about finding the heart of the island. Hurley is there, being AWESOME BECAUSE HURLEY WINS AT LIFE. No, I will not ease off on the Caps Lock this episode. Sawyer tossed Desmond in the well, and Hurley “he's worse than Yoda.” They're going to go on their quest, but Sawyer's going off on his own, and Hurley and I both have a bad feeling about this. LOST rolls on screen, what the fuck I don't even...whatever, time to do a quick MasterChef catchup, because Lost/Spicks and Specks is forcing me to miss the end of the episode, and I feel strongly about Masterchef at the moment. This is going to be a stressful episode to liveblog, but I am a woman of steel, no?
8:48: At a motel in SidewaysLand, man is walking a dog, but that's not important. What's important is Hurley's big yellow hummer containing him and Sayid, and Sayid's all worried. Hurley brings out a gun to jot memories, it's not working. “You're insane” says Sayid. Hurley agrees, because he is insane, but he's cool insane and OH MY GO IT'S CHARLIE DUDE I'VE MISSED YOU! Charlie isn't dead in sideways land! Charlie doesn't care about the concert, but Hurley's not one of Widmore's monkeys. Charlie wants Hurley to “Sod off”, so Hurley brings out a gun, shoots him, and dumps him in the boot. Whattttt the?
8:50: Jack, Hurley and Kate are walking up a mountain on the Island, and Jack took the position because the Island is the only thing he hasn't screwed up (true that), and this would be nice, says Hurley, if they weren't all about to die. Over with Sawyer, spying in the bushes, but here comes Benry to shove a gun to his head. Is Sawyer psychic or something? Because Not!Locke really does want to destroy the Island. And Ben just got punched in the face again. The island on the bottom of the ocean? Wait, SidewaysLand? Okay, now my brain is fucked. He thinks there was a dog here, and he's right, VINCENT! And what the FUCK IT'S ROSE AND BERNARD WHOASERS. Rose an Bernard appear to live a harmonious, lonely but beautiful life in a lovely little cottage. They don't know what time they're in, but they've been here for a long time. Rose and Bernard broke their rule by talking to Desmond – they don't like getting into drama, and getting Desmond out of the well constitutes as drama. Not!Locke's here with Ben and he WANTS HIS DESMOND. Oh my god, I really need to paragraphise. NotLocke's like “come with me, or I'll kill them both”, and then “I'll make it hurt”, and Desmond makes him promise he'll never hurt them (obviously, he's lying, because drowning the Island totally doesn't count). AD BREAK THANK GOD, and Desmond is going with NotLocke. AHHH!
8:57: On the island, shit is happening. Literally. Desmond has no idea where NotLocke is taking him, but he thinks it involves a very bright light, and NotLocke is hearing things, and Ben oh my god has a walkie talkie and MILES had the other half, and he's found Alpert. I am so confused. Well, Alpert's not dead, but Blackie obviously doesn't give a shit about Alpert, and Guyliner Alpert wants to go blow up the plane.
9:01: Oh fuck, over in SidewaysLand, Miles is at his dad's concert, talking to Saw-dog on the phone, because he saw Sayid in Hurley's hummer, and Sawyer will be right there, and here's Sun in hospital, and it's so hard to read subtitles and write. Jin wants to keep running from Sun's father, and ohai nurse Juliet, because she knows all 'bout babies, and I think Sun recognizes Juliet. They don't speak English, and Juliet continues explaining despite this. Oh god, please be okay Baby. I don't need another dead baby. Sun is having Juliet Island flashbacks, and she remembers. And now Jin's island flashbacking and oh, this is soooo sweet, I hope he doesn't remember them dying. They remember their child, and their deaths. These flashbacks are getting depressing. Jin/Sun got so cute. Do they remember English now too? Juliet must be like “okay, you speak English now, why are you guys crying?” And why such perfect clarity? But very cute.
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK. In other news, Red Team win on Masterchef. JOANNE GO HOME YOU BLUE BITCH.
9:09: Sawyer runs into Kate, Jack and Hurley on the hillside Island, and he's confirming that NotLocke/Blackie/Smokey/Floke whatever wants to blow up the island. Kate looks conflicted, as per usual. Quick cut to Jack doctoring in SideWaysLand, about to operate on REAL Locke, at which point they will obviously remember, unless Jack actually does kill him. That might be nice, except my only qualms are with NotLocke, not real Locke.
9:11: Quick cut back the Island, where a hell of a storm is brewing, and Miles and Richard are about to board a boat. Richard is aging – he just got his first grey hair. Richard now decides he wants to live, which is stupid. ON A BOAT with Miles and Sawyer and there's a dead body floating and OHAI FRANK what the fuck are you doing here? Oh right, explodey submarine, I remember. Luckily, Frank's a pilot. Over on the same bloody hillside, there's a fucking confrontation between Jack's gang and Locke's gang. Jack is kind of the obvious choice, really. We all knew, from episode one. Jack is MANNING UP, and I kind of like it – it's nice against all those tears. And then “I'mma kill you...in a surprise way!” from Jack to NOTLOCKE. AND OH MY GOSH.
9:15: Jack got the tickets and gave them to Juliet, who is David's mother (duh, saw that one coming), and David's going to invite Auntie Claire to the concert and in storms Sawyer, asking to see Sun. Over on the Island, Jack's Team Of Good are walking up another hill, and Jack thinks that Desmond is a “weapon”. They reach some kind of barrier, and it can only be Jack, Desmond and NOTLOCKE passing through, and Hurley does a nice little “I believe in you” for Jack, and then they leave. The bamboo field has a very convenient path, and hey look, it's the cave full of the pretty light. Desmond is going to get lowered into that light, and he's going to “go into another place” and “Jack, you know what the best thing is? You're in that place.” Wait so...SidewaysLand is heaven? But that's waaaay too easy. Jack's like “all of this matters” but it totally doesn't, and into the cave go the three intrepid explorers, and I must say, I'm not blown away by those special effects. ANOTHER AD BREAK I WANT TO FASTFORWARD.
9:26: Back at the concert in SidewaysLand, where Hurley is not allowed to tell Sayid why he's there, and Sayid just needs to have trust, like Hurley trusts him, because Hurley believes that Sayid is a good guy (hells yes, did you not watch Lost?) Hurley knows “A lot about you, dude.” And they're sitting in the hummer, watching a fight, and some girl just got hit, and who is it? It's...SHANNON? Eugh, of course. I want Boone! IAN SOMMERHALDER FOR THE WIN! YAY HERE'S BOONE! Sayid's over there macking on Shannon, that's nice, and Hurley's with Boone, because they win at awesome.
9:29: Miles and Ben are walkie talkie-ing. They're going to fly the plane away, not blow it up an HI CLAIRE CLAIRE WASSSUP? Claire's accent is going all haywire. Alpert's getting a little too close to Claire-Bear, and she's not going with them. Back in a cave somewhere (the cave of the pretty lights), they're lowering Desmond into the pretty lights. This is all kind of touching and intimate, but they're sort of enemies. Jack's all “YOU'RE NOT JOHN LOCKE SO JUST SHUT UP”. NotLocke's like “John Locke wasn't right about anything”, except most things, and we're going to leave on a shot of Jack and NotLocke glancing into pretty lights an PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT'S UP NOW. If I have time, I might put this on my blog and close up with some of my semi-academic thoughts (when I say semi-academic, I mean a coherent way of closing in which I evaluate my feelings on this bloody confusing show).
9:36: At the concert, Juliet is leaving David and Claire for the moment, and they're in line. Hi Charlotte. What are you doing Charlotte? She's following instructions. Charlie's lying on a couch with a classy sign on him reading “Bass Player – Wake before show”. Oh hi Daniel! FARADAY! Driveshaft are accompanying Daniel Widmore (see: Faraday) at the concert. Desmond's at the Claire Kate David table. So the concert is a benefit concert for the Museum, and it's Dr Pierre Chang from the Dharma videos! Anyhow, time for Daniel playing piano with Driveshaft (Charlie and his brother), and Charlie just saw Claire and I see a big awwwww moment coming on. Or at least, it would be, if Claire's baby hadn't started hurting and oh my go, broken waters? DRAMATIC MUSIC IS DRAMATIC!
9:39: In the cave, Desmond sees a shitload of skeletons, and the pool where the light is the brightest. Desmond is “special” so he's going straight up to the pretty light, and everything's shaking and he's nosebleeding and STOP IT DESMOND, LET GO! And the rock is being lifted up and the light is going out and the waters are stopping and oh my god? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO, DESMOND? And some form of eruption, explosion thing, and the Island's going to die and GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE I AM CONFUSED AND ALSO WHAT? And here comes Jack, punching the hell out of NotLocke, who is no longer immortal obviously, and Jack's been hit on the head and he's just lying there and ooooohhh wow, the light going out in the cave meant the light going out in NotLocke, but that renders Jack's candidate job pretty irrelevant, no?
9:46: Claire's baby's coming, and Kate's there to help her out, and oh hi Eloise. Desmond chose to ignore Eloise, which was stupid, because it's Eloise. I actually cannot understand a word you're saying. “Are you going to take my son with you?” she says. “No.” He responds. Over in the backstage, Claire's baby is coming right now, and Charlie's here to help out, and Claire hasn't remembered yet. Claire needs to push and what the fuck since when is Kate is midwife? And Kate's having flashbacks to when she helped Claire give birth on the Island and whoa, it's all so intense, here comes the baby methinks. Oh hi baby. That was the fastest. Labour. Ever. I take it Claire remembers, now she has her ickle baby Aaron. Charlie's wearing too much make up, please have Charlie flashbacks I love Charlie. When Charlie holds hands they have peanut butter flashbacks. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! THIS IS MY AWWWW MOMENT!!!! I love you Charlie!! I don't even know why!! Wow, this is ultra intense, dude just gave birth and now she's macking on Charlie, please let this be a reality. Here's Desmond, asking Kate if she gets it now.
9:51: Over on the Island a tree is falling down due to the earthquakey stormy non-light reality, in which Ben was just kind of crushed by the tree he went under to save Hurley (awww) and Jack went back into the cave, which was STUPID AS, and he can't find Desmond, and it's raining, and the island is intense. Miles is desperately trying to do some shit with the walkie talkie. Please just get Benry out from under the tree, he knows how to get to the other island, NotLocke has a boat. NotLocke's just watching this all pan out, and here's Jack, all Terminatored out, and they're going to fight to the death. And BAM Jack jumps in the air AND PLEASE NO HERE'S ANOTHER AD BREAK.
9:58: Epic battle to the death in the rain on an earthquakey island and no knife advantage now, please both fall into the ocean, Jack your livelihood does not bother me, stabnation on NotLocke's part, landslide, Jack is dying, NotLocke just got SHOT WHAT???????? WHAT???? AFTER ALL THAT HE CAN JUST GET SHOT? BY KATE? She's too late, apparently. Well, at least we got him dead. Shouldn't Jack be, like, worried about his blood loss.
10:00: In SidewaysLand, that cut of Jack's on his neck from LA X is bleeding a bit, obviously from when he got all stabbed on the Island. Locke is waking up, and Jack “did a good job” and “It worked” says Locke, which were Juliet's last thoughts oooooooh. Locke can totally feel his legs, whoa. Locke is flashing back now, about time. Now we've only got to flash back Jack, who remembers now (I TOTALLY CALLED THIS), and Locke's all “We need to go” and Locke's like “You don't have a son” and Jack's like “Um, I'm pretty sure I do” and Locke's like “I hope what somebody does for you what you just did for me” and liking Locke is hard after all the shit Man In Black did in his body. So when will Jack remember properly? Also, would like to point out that in Island land, Jack killed NotLocke, and in Sideways land, he kind of made RealLocke's life better. Hmmm. OKAY SHUT UP AD BREAK.
10:07: Kate is helping Jack and the rain has stopped and here come the rest of Jack's Gang of Good and Sawyer's like “Shit, NotLocke dead is a BAD thing” and “sure don't feel like it's over”.
10:08: In the hospital in SidewaysLand, Sawyer goes into Sun and Jin's room, and he's asking after Sayid, but Sun and Jin just stand there smiling and agree that they're sad and are like “We'll see you there” and apparently Sawyer also has no idea what's going on.
10:09: In the cockpit with Frank, Miles and Guyliner Alpert, and the island keeps shaking and Kate doesn't understand (get on board with me, Kate), and Kate's like “I need to put the light back” and Jack needs to do it, but Kate's selfish and like “NO YOU DON'T JACK I KIND OF LOVE YOU A LITTLE BIT”. Bitch best believe it. Sawyer and Jack having the big ole handshake, and Benry's decided he's going down with the Island, which is kind of cute in a sad, sad way, and Kate's got to go and get Claire on the plane (MAKE OUT ALREADY JACK/KATE) and Hurley's going with Jack and Jack/Kate are macking (CALLED IT), but dude, there's no time what the hell GET OFF THE FUCKING ISLAND and Kate's like “I love you” and Jack's like “I love you” and I'm like “DUDE SHUT UP AND FLY AWAY” and why doesn't Hurley get to go and be free? Hurley is my favourite! If Hurley dies, shit will fly. AD BREAK AGHGGGGGG.
10:14: Miles doesn't believe in a lot of things, but he believes in duct tape. Sawyer and Kate are making their way to the plane, and Lapidus is a snappy son-of-a-bitch, so what the hell, Sawyer and Kate are going to jump off a fucking cliff, because of course that's the only logical conclusion stupid idiot faces.
10:15: In the SidewaysLand hospital Sawyer says “thanks Doc” and nearly remembers, but doesn't. He wants to find food, and Suited Jack directs him to the vending machine and any bets that Candy is symbolic oh and hi Juliet. Juliet's being “hilarious” and Sawyer is trying to get his chocolate and bam, double flashback, totally expected that, dudes just get together already. “We should get coffee sometime” and damn, this episode is too sentimental. Sawyer/Juliet, though, is much cuter than bloody Jack/Kate (although a pair of selfish people who enjoy fucking up everyone else's lives might work well together) and Juliet and Sawyer are embracing and crying and oh my god, is everyone going to cry? Ad break.
10:22: Jack, a late douchebag, has finally arrived at the concert, and is taking out his cellphone. The concert's over, says Kate, who is gazing at him longingly, because she lurvvves him, and also she stole his pen on the Oceanic flight. Jack's like “but...how do I know you.” and Kate will totally kiss him so he remembers “I missed you so much”. Jack's the only one not embracing these memories, really. Kate's like “you will understand, don't worry”
10:25: The Jack-Hurley-Benry tag team are at the cave, and Hurley's all compassionate and “Desmond didn't make it, how will you?” and no one says anything and Hurley gets sad and goes all “YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE” and Jack's all “It needs to be you” and Hurley's like “BUT IT NEEDED TO BE YOU” and Jack's like “Only so I could do this” and I swear, this is the closest I've come to tears so far, because that is how much I adore Hurley and that was so, so cute, and Jack's got the bottle and he's making Hurley drink and passing on his leadership role, even though there is no more light, and Hurley finishes it and then he's like “so...that's it?” and Jack: “Now you're like me”. OH MY GOD DON'T KILL HURLEY PLEASE. At the plane, Frank's getting it started up and those guys surely won't just make it like that. Anyway, in the cave, Jack's getting lowered down, Hurley's freaking out, in comes Jack to superhero away, there's dead Desmond...please don't be dead, Desmond. DESMOND'S NOT DEAD. But Desmond's sad because he thought he'd leave this place an the shakiness is shaky, and Desmond needs to go home to be with his Penny please.
10:31: Over at the beach, Sawyer and Kate are getting Claire, and falling over, and Island is collapsing under the sea. The plane's not leaving with Kate and Sawyer, them bitches (FUCK YOU FRANK, I THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL). Claire's crazy, and she doesn't want Aaron to see her like this, and AGAIN YOU IDIOTS THERE IS NO TIME FOR MOMENTS LIKE THESE. RUN FOR THE FUCKING PLANE. Frank appears to be scaredicles and DON'T YOU DARE RUN OVER CLAIRE, SHE MIGHT BE CRAZY, BUT SHE'S AWESOME CRAZY.
10:33: HURRY UP AN TIE IT ALTOGETHER, SHOW! Can Jack please die now? In plugs the plug, thankyouJack, And Jack's lying there, nearly dead, and Claire and Kate and Sawyer are on the plane and holy fuck, take off now, I WANT TO SLEEP PLEASE, and Frank pushes down on the power, please don't all die. I can safely say it's going to be a very, very bumpy ride. They're all holding hands and praying they don't die and off they take, to some uplifting music. Every one's ilching in the back, surely happiness can only be short live on this show.
10:36: Jack's just in the cave, crying, and here come the water so...it worked? We has cave of pretty lights now. Jack's laughing crying now, and it's Desmond and Hurley's all “wait, Desmond? I WANT JACK. JACCCCCCCCCCCCK!” and Ad break.
10:41: Hello statue possibly of Jesus. And it's Real Locke in SidewaysLand in a taxicab outside the place where the concert was, or something, where Benry is sitting, and Ben is “very sorry for what he did” to John, because he was selfish and jealous and wanted everything he had, because Locke was “special” and Ben wasn't but dude, that's no reason to kill someone, but Locke forgives him, so it's all cool. Ben's got some things he needs to figure out, and Locke doesn't really need to be in that chair anymore, and up he gets, and please fall over, that would be hilarious. But no, Locke's legs work fine as he walks up stairs. Creepy music...
10:44: ...takes us back to the Island, where Hurley sits sadly, looking at the cave, hoping Jack will apparate from out of nowhere. Hurley's all sad...but it's his job now, and he doesn't know what to do, and Ben uncharacteristically says that he should do what he does best, and take care of people, and Hurley wants Benry to help him, firstly with Desmond. Awwwww.
10:45: Back to sideways land, Benry's on the same bench, and it's Hurley. Hurley wants Ben to come inside, but Ben wants to stay in sideways land. Hurley's like “You know, dude, you were a great number two”. Music sounds, because it's the arrival of Jack and Kate. Music is kind of eerie. Kate is sorry Jack's dad died, and no one is making any sense. So I take it “going inside” the building is like “going to heaven” and this is all some weird kind of “pre-afterlife”?
10:47: In Island land, Jack wakes up on a rock, out of a cave, covered in blood and pretty dead, but he's not dead yet, because Lost likes prolonging these things. In SidewaysLand, Jack enters the church through the back, past significant statues and such, and goes into a very little chapel or office or something, and that's where his dad's coffin is (Christian, what an appropriate name). Of course, Jack touches the coffin and has a remembrance flash, and remembers fucking things up and doctoring and running through crashes and Sawyer and Locke and telephones and Kate and nearly getting shot and glass and cuts and make outs on rocks and he opens the coffin and it's empty. Of course. My mum just goes “it's his coffin” and it SO TOTALLY IS oh hi Christian what's up? IS THIS THE PART WHERE IT ALL GETS EXPLAINED? Jack's like “you died...how are you here now” and Christian's all “how are you here?” and Jack “I died too” and he's crying because he's Jack and that's what he does and...is this at some weird point in the future after every one's died (what even David, the son that never was?) preparing them for heaven. So...it's all real? And they're all dead? “Everyone dies sometime, kiddo. Some of them before you, some long after you.” and “There is no 'now' here” and WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE CRYPTIC IN THEIR EXPLANATION? So...they wanted to find each other before they went to heaven, because their time on the island was the most important part of their lives. So...maybe Jack had the son AFTER the island and he died later and ohmigosh whatttt, and Jack needs to let go. Time for them all to “move on”. OH MY GOD WHAT ABOUT WHY ALL THE CREEPY SHIT ON THE ISLAND HAPPENED? NOT RELEVANT? They're all there dead, and Island Jack is wandering around, and HI BOONE I LOVE YOU, nearly there, and this is obviously the part where Island Jack dies so he gets to this place and wow, so even Aaron's dead? That's sad. Sucks that Claire had to go through labour in pre-afterlife. So we're watching Jack die in Island land, and sideways land takes place after this and OH MY GOD I THINK I UNDERSTAND. Ohai Vincent. Oh my god this is so sad...bye Plane, Jack crying, where's Michael, never mind OH MY GOD EYE CLOSING SYMBOLISM, LOST in non spinny italics. Wow.
So that was Lost. And unlike all you miserable selfish bastards, I actually quite enjoyed it. But I still don't understand how the hell David got to be, if Jack never had a son prior to or post the island, because he died there. That part still confuses me.
Because I don't want to kill you with information overload, the next entry will be Lost-themed too (shut up, I love cracked out television shows that don't answer questions) and will just contain my Lost pictures.
Caution Two: I didn't go easy on the swearing, or the caps locking, or the completely incoherent babble. Those things tend to just fit perfectly to Lost.
Caution three: Holy shit, it's long. Massively long. It was needed, I suppose, but try not to shoot me.
Live Review
Lost – Season Six, THE FINALE OH MY GOD
(No more Lost again, EVER. WHOASERS!)
8:39pm: I'm behind, and I haven't written about Lost in a bajillion years, but OH MY GOD IT'S THE FINAL FINALE EVER GIVE ME SOME ANSWERS PLEASE NOW? Okay, basically the gist of so far is a slow music montage in which Jack's dad's coffin has been recovered and is now at home in the sideways universe. Also some tender Kate/Sawyer moments, Not!Locke being badass and evil and shit and Ben making tea. Now Desmond and Kate are in the cool red sportscar – you had to see the last episode. Kate wants answers, Desmond wants to be cryptic because Desmond appears to be a Jacob-esque figure. Desmond's all “you don't realise it, but I am your friend.” Which is true, because of Island land, but I am SO CONFUSED ALREADY.
8:42: Kate's in the forest, walking around, and there's Jack standing in some water, having a cry. Jack cries, drink. Sawyer seems oddly at ease despite the whole freakabilly of the last few episodes. Jack doesn't feel any different, despite being the new Jacob. He's relaying Jacob's instructions, about finding the heart of the island. Hurley is there, being AWESOME BECAUSE HURLEY WINS AT LIFE. No, I will not ease off on the Caps Lock this episode. Sawyer tossed Desmond in the well, and Hurley “he's worse than Yoda.” They're going to go on their quest, but Sawyer's going off on his own, and Hurley and I both have a bad feeling about this. LOST rolls on screen, what the fuck I don't even...whatever, time to do a quick MasterChef catchup, because Lost/Spicks and Specks is forcing me to miss the end of the episode, and I feel strongly about Masterchef at the moment. This is going to be a stressful episode to liveblog, but I am a woman of steel, no?
8:48: At a motel in SidewaysLand, man is walking a dog, but that's not important. What's important is Hurley's big yellow hummer containing him and Sayid, and Sayid's all worried. Hurley brings out a gun to jot memories, it's not working. “You're insane” says Sayid. Hurley agrees, because he is insane, but he's cool insane and OH MY GO IT'S CHARLIE DUDE I'VE MISSED YOU! Charlie isn't dead in sideways land! Charlie doesn't care about the concert, but Hurley's not one of Widmore's monkeys. Charlie wants Hurley to “Sod off”, so Hurley brings out a gun, shoots him, and dumps him in the boot. Whattttt the?
8:50: Jack, Hurley and Kate are walking up a mountain on the Island, and Jack took the position because the Island is the only thing he hasn't screwed up (true that), and this would be nice, says Hurley, if they weren't all about to die. Over with Sawyer, spying in the bushes, but here comes Benry to shove a gun to his head. Is Sawyer psychic or something? Because Not!Locke really does want to destroy the Island. And Ben just got punched in the face again. The island on the bottom of the ocean? Wait, SidewaysLand? Okay, now my brain is fucked. He thinks there was a dog here, and he's right, VINCENT! And what the FUCK IT'S ROSE AND BERNARD WHOASERS. Rose an Bernard appear to live a harmonious, lonely but beautiful life in a lovely little cottage. They don't know what time they're in, but they've been here for a long time. Rose and Bernard broke their rule by talking to Desmond – they don't like getting into drama, and getting Desmond out of the well constitutes as drama. Not!Locke's here with Ben and he WANTS HIS DESMOND. Oh my god, I really need to paragraphise. NotLocke's like “come with me, or I'll kill them both”, and then “I'll make it hurt”, and Desmond makes him promise he'll never hurt them (obviously, he's lying, because drowning the Island totally doesn't count). AD BREAK THANK GOD, and Desmond is going with NotLocke. AHHH!
8:57: On the island, shit is happening. Literally. Desmond has no idea where NotLocke is taking him, but he thinks it involves a very bright light, and NotLocke is hearing things, and Ben oh my god has a walkie talkie and MILES had the other half, and he's found Alpert. I am so confused. Well, Alpert's not dead, but Blackie obviously doesn't give a shit about Alpert, and Guyliner Alpert wants to go blow up the plane.
9:01: Oh fuck, over in SidewaysLand, Miles is at his dad's concert, talking to Saw-dog on the phone, because he saw Sayid in Hurley's hummer, and Sawyer will be right there, and here's Sun in hospital, and it's so hard to read subtitles and write. Jin wants to keep running from Sun's father, and ohai nurse Juliet, because she knows all 'bout babies, and I think Sun recognizes Juliet. They don't speak English, and Juliet continues explaining despite this. Oh god, please be okay Baby. I don't need another dead baby. Sun is having Juliet Island flashbacks, and she remembers. And now Jin's island flashbacking and oh, this is soooo sweet, I hope he doesn't remember them dying. They remember their child, and their deaths. These flashbacks are getting depressing. Jin/Sun got so cute. Do they remember English now too? Juliet must be like “okay, you speak English now, why are you guys crying?” And why such perfect clarity? But very cute.
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK. In other news, Red Team win on Masterchef. JOANNE GO HOME YOU BLUE BITCH.
9:09: Sawyer runs into Kate, Jack and Hurley on the hillside Island, and he's confirming that NotLocke/Blackie/Smokey/Floke whatever wants to blow up the island. Kate looks conflicted, as per usual. Quick cut to Jack doctoring in SideWaysLand, about to operate on REAL Locke, at which point they will obviously remember, unless Jack actually does kill him. That might be nice, except my only qualms are with NotLocke, not real Locke.
9:11: Quick cut back the Island, where a hell of a storm is brewing, and Miles and Richard are about to board a boat. Richard is aging – he just got his first grey hair. Richard now decides he wants to live, which is stupid. ON A BOAT with Miles and Sawyer and there's a dead body floating and OHAI FRANK what the fuck are you doing here? Oh right, explodey submarine, I remember. Luckily, Frank's a pilot. Over on the same bloody hillside, there's a fucking confrontation between Jack's gang and Locke's gang. Jack is kind of the obvious choice, really. We all knew, from episode one. Jack is MANNING UP, and I kind of like it – it's nice against all those tears. And then “I'mma kill you...in a surprise way!” from Jack to NOTLOCKE. AND OH MY GOSH.
9:15: Jack got the tickets and gave them to Juliet, who is David's mother (duh, saw that one coming), and David's going to invite Auntie Claire to the concert and in storms Sawyer, asking to see Sun. Over on the Island, Jack's Team Of Good are walking up another hill, and Jack thinks that Desmond is a “weapon”. They reach some kind of barrier, and it can only be Jack, Desmond and NOTLOCKE passing through, and Hurley does a nice little “I believe in you” for Jack, and then they leave. The bamboo field has a very convenient path, and hey look, it's the cave full of the pretty light. Desmond is going to get lowered into that light, and he's going to “go into another place” and “Jack, you know what the best thing is? You're in that place.” Wait so...SidewaysLand is heaven? But that's waaaay too easy. Jack's like “all of this matters” but it totally doesn't, and into the cave go the three intrepid explorers, and I must say, I'm not blown away by those special effects. ANOTHER AD BREAK I WANT TO FASTFORWARD.
9:26: Back at the concert in SidewaysLand, where Hurley is not allowed to tell Sayid why he's there, and Sayid just needs to have trust, like Hurley trusts him, because Hurley believes that Sayid is a good guy (hells yes, did you not watch Lost?) Hurley knows “A lot about you, dude.” And they're sitting in the hummer, watching a fight, and some girl just got hit, and who is it? It's...SHANNON? Eugh, of course. I want Boone! IAN SOMMERHALDER FOR THE WIN! YAY HERE'S BOONE! Sayid's over there macking on Shannon, that's nice, and Hurley's with Boone, because they win at awesome.
9:29: Miles and Ben are walkie talkie-ing. They're going to fly the plane away, not blow it up an HI CLAIRE CLAIRE WASSSUP? Claire's accent is going all haywire. Alpert's getting a little too close to Claire-Bear, and she's not going with them. Back in a cave somewhere (the cave of the pretty lights), they're lowering Desmond into the pretty lights. This is all kind of touching and intimate, but they're sort of enemies. Jack's all “YOU'RE NOT JOHN LOCKE SO JUST SHUT UP”. NotLocke's like “John Locke wasn't right about anything”, except most things, and we're going to leave on a shot of Jack and NotLocke glancing into pretty lights an PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT'S UP NOW. If I have time, I might put this on my blog and close up with some of my semi-academic thoughts (when I say semi-academic, I mean a coherent way of closing in which I evaluate my feelings on this bloody confusing show).
9:36: At the concert, Juliet is leaving David and Claire for the moment, and they're in line. Hi Charlotte. What are you doing Charlotte? She's following instructions. Charlie's lying on a couch with a classy sign on him reading “Bass Player – Wake before show”. Oh hi Daniel! FARADAY! Driveshaft are accompanying Daniel Widmore (see: Faraday) at the concert. Desmond's at the Claire Kate David table. So the concert is a benefit concert for the Museum, and it's Dr Pierre Chang from the Dharma videos! Anyhow, time for Daniel playing piano with Driveshaft (Charlie and his brother), and Charlie just saw Claire and I see a big awwwww moment coming on. Or at least, it would be, if Claire's baby hadn't started hurting and oh my go, broken waters? DRAMATIC MUSIC IS DRAMATIC!
9:39: In the cave, Desmond sees a shitload of skeletons, and the pool where the light is the brightest. Desmond is “special” so he's going straight up to the pretty light, and everything's shaking and he's nosebleeding and STOP IT DESMOND, LET GO! And the rock is being lifted up and the light is going out and the waters are stopping and oh my god? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO, DESMOND? And some form of eruption, explosion thing, and the Island's going to die and GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE I AM CONFUSED AND ALSO WHAT? And here comes Jack, punching the hell out of NotLocke, who is no longer immortal obviously, and Jack's been hit on the head and he's just lying there and ooooohhh wow, the light going out in the cave meant the light going out in NotLocke, but that renders Jack's candidate job pretty irrelevant, no?
9:46: Claire's baby's coming, and Kate's there to help her out, and oh hi Eloise. Desmond chose to ignore Eloise, which was stupid, because it's Eloise. I actually cannot understand a word you're saying. “Are you going to take my son with you?” she says. “No.” He responds. Over in the backstage, Claire's baby is coming right now, and Charlie's here to help out, and Claire hasn't remembered yet. Claire needs to push and what the fuck since when is Kate is midwife? And Kate's having flashbacks to when she helped Claire give birth on the Island and whoa, it's all so intense, here comes the baby methinks. Oh hi baby. That was the fastest. Labour. Ever. I take it Claire remembers, now she has her ickle baby Aaron. Charlie's wearing too much make up, please have Charlie flashbacks I love Charlie. When Charlie holds hands they have peanut butter flashbacks. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! THIS IS MY AWWWW MOMENT!!!! I love you Charlie!! I don't even know why!! Wow, this is ultra intense, dude just gave birth and now she's macking on Charlie, please let this be a reality. Here's Desmond, asking Kate if she gets it now.
9:51: Over on the Island a tree is falling down due to the earthquakey stormy non-light reality, in which Ben was just kind of crushed by the tree he went under to save Hurley (awww) and Jack went back into the cave, which was STUPID AS, and he can't find Desmond, and it's raining, and the island is intense. Miles is desperately trying to do some shit with the walkie talkie. Please just get Benry out from under the tree, he knows how to get to the other island, NotLocke has a boat. NotLocke's just watching this all pan out, and here's Jack, all Terminatored out, and they're going to fight to the death. And BAM Jack jumps in the air AND PLEASE NO HERE'S ANOTHER AD BREAK.
9:58: Epic battle to the death in the rain on an earthquakey island and no knife advantage now, please both fall into the ocean, Jack your livelihood does not bother me, stabnation on NotLocke's part, landslide, Jack is dying, NotLocke just got SHOT WHAT???????? WHAT???? AFTER ALL THAT HE CAN JUST GET SHOT? BY KATE? She's too late, apparently. Well, at least we got him dead. Shouldn't Jack be, like, worried about his blood loss.
10:00: In SidewaysLand, that cut of Jack's on his neck from LA X is bleeding a bit, obviously from when he got all stabbed on the Island. Locke is waking up, and Jack “did a good job” and “It worked” says Locke, which were Juliet's last thoughts oooooooh. Locke can totally feel his legs, whoa. Locke is flashing back now, about time. Now we've only got to flash back Jack, who remembers now (I TOTALLY CALLED THIS), and Locke's all “We need to go” and Locke's like “You don't have a son” and Jack's like “Um, I'm pretty sure I do” and Locke's like “I hope what somebody does for you what you just did for me” and liking Locke is hard after all the shit Man In Black did in his body. So when will Jack remember properly? Also, would like to point out that in Island land, Jack killed NotLocke, and in Sideways land, he kind of made RealLocke's life better. Hmmm. OKAY SHUT UP AD BREAK.
10:07: Kate is helping Jack and the rain has stopped and here come the rest of Jack's Gang of Good and Sawyer's like “Shit, NotLocke dead is a BAD thing” and “sure don't feel like it's over”.
10:08: In the hospital in SidewaysLand, Sawyer goes into Sun and Jin's room, and he's asking after Sayid, but Sun and Jin just stand there smiling and agree that they're sad and are like “We'll see you there” and apparently Sawyer also has no idea what's going on.
10:09: In the cockpit with Frank, Miles and Guyliner Alpert, and the island keeps shaking and Kate doesn't understand (get on board with me, Kate), and Kate's like “I need to put the light back” and Jack needs to do it, but Kate's selfish and like “NO YOU DON'T JACK I KIND OF LOVE YOU A LITTLE BIT”. Bitch best believe it. Sawyer and Jack having the big ole handshake, and Benry's decided he's going down with the Island, which is kind of cute in a sad, sad way, and Kate's got to go and get Claire on the plane (MAKE OUT ALREADY JACK/KATE) and Hurley's going with Jack and Jack/Kate are macking (CALLED IT), but dude, there's no time what the hell GET OFF THE FUCKING ISLAND and Kate's like “I love you” and Jack's like “I love you” and I'm like “DUDE SHUT UP AND FLY AWAY” and why doesn't Hurley get to go and be free? Hurley is my favourite! If Hurley dies, shit will fly. AD BREAK AGHGGGGGG.
10:14: Miles doesn't believe in a lot of things, but he believes in duct tape. Sawyer and Kate are making their way to the plane, and Lapidus is a snappy son-of-a-bitch, so what the hell, Sawyer and Kate are going to jump off a fucking cliff, because of course that's the only logical conclusion stupid idiot faces.
10:15: In the SidewaysLand hospital Sawyer says “thanks Doc” and nearly remembers, but doesn't. He wants to find food, and Suited Jack directs him to the vending machine and any bets that Candy is symbolic oh and hi Juliet. Juliet's being “hilarious” and Sawyer is trying to get his chocolate and bam, double flashback, totally expected that, dudes just get together already. “We should get coffee sometime” and damn, this episode is too sentimental. Sawyer/Juliet, though, is much cuter than bloody Jack/Kate (although a pair of selfish people who enjoy fucking up everyone else's lives might work well together) and Juliet and Sawyer are embracing and crying and oh my god, is everyone going to cry? Ad break.
10:22: Jack, a late douchebag, has finally arrived at the concert, and is taking out his cellphone. The concert's over, says Kate, who is gazing at him longingly, because she lurvvves him, and also she stole his pen on the Oceanic flight. Jack's like “but...how do I know you.” and Kate will totally kiss him so he remembers “I missed you so much”. Jack's the only one not embracing these memories, really. Kate's like “you will understand, don't worry”
10:25: The Jack-Hurley-Benry tag team are at the cave, and Hurley's all compassionate and “Desmond didn't make it, how will you?” and no one says anything and Hurley gets sad and goes all “YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE” and Jack's all “It needs to be you” and Hurley's like “BUT IT NEEDED TO BE YOU” and Jack's like “Only so I could do this” and I swear, this is the closest I've come to tears so far, because that is how much I adore Hurley and that was so, so cute, and Jack's got the bottle and he's making Hurley drink and passing on his leadership role, even though there is no more light, and Hurley finishes it and then he's like “so...that's it?” and Jack: “Now you're like me”. OH MY GOD DON'T KILL HURLEY PLEASE. At the plane, Frank's getting it started up and those guys surely won't just make it like that. Anyway, in the cave, Jack's getting lowered down, Hurley's freaking out, in comes Jack to superhero away, there's dead Desmond...please don't be dead, Desmond. DESMOND'S NOT DEAD. But Desmond's sad because he thought he'd leave this place an the shakiness is shaky, and Desmond needs to go home to be with his Penny please.
10:31: Over at the beach, Sawyer and Kate are getting Claire, and falling over, and Island is collapsing under the sea. The plane's not leaving with Kate and Sawyer, them bitches (FUCK YOU FRANK, I THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL). Claire's crazy, and she doesn't want Aaron to see her like this, and AGAIN YOU IDIOTS THERE IS NO TIME FOR MOMENTS LIKE THESE. RUN FOR THE FUCKING PLANE. Frank appears to be scaredicles and DON'T YOU DARE RUN OVER CLAIRE, SHE MIGHT BE CRAZY, BUT SHE'S AWESOME CRAZY.
10:33: HURRY UP AN TIE IT ALTOGETHER, SHOW! Can Jack please die now? In plugs the plug, thankyouJack, And Jack's lying there, nearly dead, and Claire and Kate and Sawyer are on the plane and holy fuck, take off now, I WANT TO SLEEP PLEASE, and Frank pushes down on the power, please don't all die. I can safely say it's going to be a very, very bumpy ride. They're all holding hands and praying they don't die and off they take, to some uplifting music. Every one's ilching in the back, surely happiness can only be short live on this show.
10:36: Jack's just in the cave, crying, and here come the water so...it worked? We has cave of pretty lights now. Jack's laughing crying now, and it's Desmond and Hurley's all “wait, Desmond? I WANT JACK. JACCCCCCCCCCCCK!” and Ad break.
10:41: Hello statue possibly of Jesus. And it's Real Locke in SidewaysLand in a taxicab outside the place where the concert was, or something, where Benry is sitting, and Ben is “very sorry for what he did” to John, because he was selfish and jealous and wanted everything he had, because Locke was “special” and Ben wasn't but dude, that's no reason to kill someone, but Locke forgives him, so it's all cool. Ben's got some things he needs to figure out, and Locke doesn't really need to be in that chair anymore, and up he gets, and please fall over, that would be hilarious. But no, Locke's legs work fine as he walks up stairs. Creepy music...
10:44: ...takes us back to the Island, where Hurley sits sadly, looking at the cave, hoping Jack will apparate from out of nowhere. Hurley's all sad...but it's his job now, and he doesn't know what to do, and Ben uncharacteristically says that he should do what he does best, and take care of people, and Hurley wants Benry to help him, firstly with Desmond. Awwwww.
10:45: Back to sideways land, Benry's on the same bench, and it's Hurley. Hurley wants Ben to come inside, but Ben wants to stay in sideways land. Hurley's like “You know, dude, you were a great number two”. Music sounds, because it's the arrival of Jack and Kate. Music is kind of eerie. Kate is sorry Jack's dad died, and no one is making any sense. So I take it “going inside” the building is like “going to heaven” and this is all some weird kind of “pre-afterlife”?
10:47: In Island land, Jack wakes up on a rock, out of a cave, covered in blood and pretty dead, but he's not dead yet, because Lost likes prolonging these things. In SidewaysLand, Jack enters the church through the back, past significant statues and such, and goes into a very little chapel or office or something, and that's where his dad's coffin is (Christian, what an appropriate name). Of course, Jack touches the coffin and has a remembrance flash, and remembers fucking things up and doctoring and running through crashes and Sawyer and Locke and telephones and Kate and nearly getting shot and glass and cuts and make outs on rocks and he opens the coffin and it's empty. Of course. My mum just goes “it's his coffin” and it SO TOTALLY IS oh hi Christian what's up? IS THIS THE PART WHERE IT ALL GETS EXPLAINED? Jack's like “you died...how are you here now” and Christian's all “how are you here?” and Jack “I died too” and he's crying because he's Jack and that's what he does and...is this at some weird point in the future after every one's died (what even David, the son that never was?) preparing them for heaven. So...it's all real? And they're all dead? “Everyone dies sometime, kiddo. Some of them before you, some long after you.” and “There is no 'now' here” and WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE CRYPTIC IN THEIR EXPLANATION? So...they wanted to find each other before they went to heaven, because their time on the island was the most important part of their lives. So...maybe Jack had the son AFTER the island and he died later and ohmigosh whatttt, and Jack needs to let go. Time for them all to “move on”. OH MY GOD WHAT ABOUT WHY ALL THE CREEPY SHIT ON THE ISLAND HAPPENED? NOT RELEVANT? They're all there dead, and Island Jack is wandering around, and HI BOONE I LOVE YOU, nearly there, and this is obviously the part where Island Jack dies so he gets to this place and wow, so even Aaron's dead? That's sad. Sucks that Claire had to go through labour in pre-afterlife. So we're watching Jack die in Island land, and sideways land takes place after this and OH MY GOD I THINK I UNDERSTAND. Ohai Vincent. Oh my god this is so sad...bye Plane, Jack crying, where's Michael, never mind OH MY GOD EYE CLOSING SYMBOLISM, LOST in non spinny italics. Wow.
So that was Lost. And unlike all you miserable selfish bastards, I actually quite enjoyed it. But I still don't understand how the hell David got to be, if Jack never had a son prior to or post the island, because he died there. That part still confuses me.
Because I don't want to kill you with information overload, the next entry will be Lost-themed too (shut up, I love cracked out television shows that don't answer questions) and will just contain my Lost pictures.
Monday, May 24, 2010
A LIST: Things That Cheer Me Up (That aren't cheesy, sentimental or "my family")
Short, sweet, cooler than you.
- Twitter - BECAUSE IT'S OHMYGOD MY ADDICTION I HATE YOU. However, on the bright side, I am unable to be obsessed with Facebook at the same time. That's right Australia, my status hasn't been changed since Thursday. Clap for me.
- The IT Crowd - I cannot watch a show that used the phrases "Don't take this the wrong way, but is it possible he thought you were a man?" and "It is a little immoral to be a cannibal" without bursting out in laughter, and if you can, you have serious issues and should consult a doctor.
- Jacksfilms - purely because of that last "Sex Tips with Justin Beiber" entry. "Don't blink, because then she'll get pregnant." I think I have serious time management issues, considering that was what I was watching instead of doing work.
- GoFugYourself.com - because these are the people I want to be when I grow up. I want to be that hilarious. Well, I already am, but I need it in this very form. Loved by this many people.
- Videos of kids reenacting MTV shows - if you have not already googled "Kids reenact The Hills" or "Kids reenact Jersey Shore", best do it now because those things are the ultimate laugh your head off videos. While we're talking various hilarious videos...
- Any hilarious video related to Lost. Whether it's cats reenacting series 1-6 of Lost, or the hilarious Party In The USA video with Hurley, it's basically my go-to thing of the moment.
- Glee - I know, I know, the plausability and continuity of the plot is absolutely ridiculous, but come one. It's just feelgood televesion. Like Modern Family.
- Crappy reality television. Yes, Masterchef, The Amazing Race, Survivor, The Bachelor...I'm told I have highly sophisticated tastes in television.
- Pasta - it's my current comfort food, thanks to the crappy Aus-wide weather. Also acceptable is anything made in a slow cooker, beer battered chips with aoli (I went to heaven, a little bit), gourmet pizza (but that is a bit cheesy) (don't shoot me), hot chocolate with marshmallows, bed socks and more. I don't eat the bed socks, but they're comforting.
I'm going to go now, before I get killed. Wish me luck, not dying tomorrow.
- Twitter - BECAUSE IT'S OHMYGOD MY ADDICTION I HATE YOU. However, on the bright side, I am unable to be obsessed with Facebook at the same time. That's right Australia, my status hasn't been changed since Thursday. Clap for me.
- The IT Crowd - I cannot watch a show that used the phrases "Don't take this the wrong way, but is it possible he thought you were a man?" and "It is a little immoral to be a cannibal" without bursting out in laughter, and if you can, you have serious issues and should consult a doctor.
- Jacksfilms - purely because of that last "Sex Tips with Justin Beiber" entry. "Don't blink, because then she'll get pregnant." I think I have serious time management issues, considering that was what I was watching instead of doing work.
- GoFugYourself.com - because these are the people I want to be when I grow up. I want to be that hilarious. Well, I already am, but I need it in this very form. Loved by this many people.
- Videos of kids reenacting MTV shows - if you have not already googled "Kids reenact The Hills" or "Kids reenact Jersey Shore", best do it now because those things are the ultimate laugh your head off videos. While we're talking various hilarious videos...
- Any hilarious video related to Lost. Whether it's cats reenacting series 1-6 of Lost, or the hilarious Party In The USA video with Hurley, it's basically my go-to thing of the moment.
- Glee - I know, I know, the plausability and continuity of the plot is absolutely ridiculous, but come one. It's just feelgood televesion. Like Modern Family.
- Crappy reality television. Yes, Masterchef, The Amazing Race, Survivor, The Bachelor...I'm told I have highly sophisticated tastes in television.
- Pasta - it's my current comfort food, thanks to the crappy Aus-wide weather. Also acceptable is anything made in a slow cooker, beer battered chips with aoli (I went to heaven, a little bit), gourmet pizza (but that is a bit cheesy) (don't shoot me), hot chocolate with marshmallows, bed socks and more. I don't eat the bed socks, but they're comforting.
I'm going to go now, before I get killed. Wish me luck, not dying tomorrow.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
I know that life gets hectic and frustrating, so here's....
A picture of the world's previous smallest man dancing with a cat. This possibly made my day.
Well, made my day alongside witnissing the world's weirdest substitute teacher dance along to a song at one of my sister's Ballroom Dancing competition. But still. Cat dance with a small man. Sadly, however, the current World's Smallest Man died at age 21, which puts a bit of a dampener on that - luckily, however it's a different guy, but still. I actually think this guy is a legend. And RIP. Becase I'm short as hell, and I think that a guy like that guy would have been hella cool.
So, I haven't posted in ages - my life is hectic as hell, and I have school, but I have won a ridiculous amount of things recently. Glee Season One and copious amounts of shimmer powder, case in point. I'm also going to get killed soon because I did small amounts of work as opposed to large ones, particularly as the dance competition was today.
Anyway, Sara OUT, because I need to go to bed, and to learn my oral for tomorrow. One day week upcoming, which is possibly the coolest thing ever.
Update: This actually made me sad, but it's kind of amazing too. Something about He Pingping (which, coincedentally, is what I'm going force someone to name their child) If you're interested in small men (Sarah, please halt that dirty mind of yours), sad things and/or Guiness World Records...feel free.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I have a Formspring now too, and I decided to spam you.
Give me all your money. No? I suppose you could, like, ask questions or something. http://formspring.me/sarkata
SPAM SPAM SPAM. I love you guys.
I suppose I could also mention that someone called me the queen of tweeting Masterchef and I inflated with pride like a giant, arrogant balloon.
I'm smooth.
SPAM SPAM SPAM. I love you guys.
I suppose I could also mention that someone called me the queen of tweeting Masterchef and I inflated with pride like a giant, arrogant balloon.
I'm smooth.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
I'm totally on board with the idea of using diet coke cans as hair accessories
Oh hai guys. Sorry, I'm watching the video clip of Telephone and I have three questions:
1. How can anyone be comfortable wearing that little clothing? It's actually ridiculous. She's walking around in a bra and thong.
2. So, in today's age, is it necessary to make a music video that has...anything to do with the song? What does killing people at a diner have to do with someone calling you at the club?
3. Oh my god, wearing diet coke cans in your hair - is that going to become a thing? I seriously hope that becomes a thing. I would keep them full and drink them at regular intervals. On the note of things I hope do not become a thing, wearing police tape as clothing...just no.
So, in other notes, I have a formspring, purely out of curiosity - and another forum where I can be fabulously witty for more time in a day. If there's anything you want to ask me, because you are a legend, click here and go crazy. Alternatively, if you're even more legendary, you'll know that I'm semi re-addicted to twitter, and have a full 15 followers - hardcore, eh? So, that's in the sidebar, or here, for the even cooler of you.
This was kind of just a maintenance entry to let you know that I'm still alive, and I haven't gotten over this yet, and have been momentarily busy. Also, dad's birthday today, if anyone's cool enough to say "Happy Birthday"
And Iron Chef last night. Whoa.
1. How can anyone be comfortable wearing that little clothing? It's actually ridiculous. She's walking around in a bra and thong.
2. So, in today's age, is it necessary to make a music video that has...anything to do with the song? What does killing people at a diner have to do with someone calling you at the club?
3. Oh my god, wearing diet coke cans in your hair - is that going to become a thing? I seriously hope that becomes a thing. I would keep them full and drink them at regular intervals. On the note of things I hope do not become a thing, wearing police tape as clothing...just no.
So, in other notes, I have a formspring, purely out of curiosity - and another forum where I can be fabulously witty for more time in a day. If there's anything you want to ask me, because you are a legend, click here and go crazy. Alternatively, if you're even more legendary, you'll know that I'm semi re-addicted to twitter, and have a full 15 followers - hardcore, eh? So, that's in the sidebar, or here, for the even cooler of you.
This was kind of just a maintenance entry to let you know that I'm still alive, and I haven't gotten over this yet, and have been momentarily busy. Also, dad's birthday today, if anyone's cool enough to say "Happy Birthday"
And Iron Chef last night. Whoa.
Warning: I'm a massive stalker. Credit where credit is due.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I got to do a spit take for reals today! Also, "imagined movies". Psht.
About the title: A spit take! A REAL LIFE SPIT TAKE! Sure, I had to hear the statement, run to the bubbler and try again, but A SPIT TAKE. And I liked it, people. It felt liberating. Disgusting, but also liberating, and that's important.
And what are "imagined movies", I hear you ask? We have been assigned a project as a part of our Film topic in English. For it, the first part is to imagine up a movie. My group - a neat little well-oiled threesome of Liora, Sarah and I - have decided on a Romantic/Drama movie called What I Was or something along those lines (What I Once Was?), which I will knuckle out my ideas for this evening, in between reading over other people's Jewish History notes (it's not cheating, Mum, it's studying) and doing some Ivrit. Anyway, this whole idea of "imagined movies" got me thinking about what "imagined movies" I would like to see. And the following spin-off movies came to mind (spin offs, because please, I'm not that creative): basically, I decided that someone has to go and make a Charlie The Unicorn movie, like, now.
Also, am currently caught in an awkward situation, so I will get back to ya'll (yeah, all four of you).
Peace.
Random pictures: the My mum/Your Mum edition.
Credit to those to whom credit is due, because I steal pictures from facebook and fall in love with them.
And what are "imagined movies", I hear you ask? We have been assigned a project as a part of our Film topic in English. For it, the first part is to imagine up a movie. My group - a neat little well-oiled threesome of Liora, Sarah and I - have decided on a Romantic/Drama movie called What I Was or something along those lines (What I Once Was?), which I will knuckle out my ideas for this evening, in between reading over other people's Jewish History notes (it's not cheating, Mum, it's studying) and doing some Ivrit. Anyway, this whole idea of "imagined movies" got me thinking about what "imagined movies" I would like to see. And the following spin-off movies came to mind (spin offs, because please, I'm not that creative): basically, I decided that someone has to go and make a Charlie The Unicorn movie, like, now.
Also, am currently caught in an awkward situation, so I will get back to ya'll (yeah, all four of you).
Peace.
Random pictures: the My mum/Your Mum edition.
Credit to those to whom credit is due, because I steal pictures from facebook and fall in love with them.
Also, because I accidentally just saw this and laughed my head off:
Go read Growing Up Cullen, followed by EVERY SINGLE SEQUEL now please
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
A Survivor Liveblog - An Experiment. Skip it if you enjoy "normal".
This is what I do when I'm bored and watching Survivor, Lost, Desperate Housewives or some other things. A quick little review of what I emoted which watching this week's Australian aired episode of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains. So this will be an obscurely long post, skip it if you a) don't watch the show, b) get offended by swearing and excessive capitalisation and c) like "normal" blog posts. INCOMING:
Liveblog Review ™ -
Survivor – Heroes vs. Villains, Part Seven
8:42pm: I am an idiot an missed last week's liveblogging opportunity in order to do this weird thing some people call “homework” - as my newly gifted School Planner states “What is homework?” - so I believe this is part seven of my recapping expedition? Or possibly eight? I am unsure of what exactly is happening and this will be severly disjointed from the last one, and also I will possibly BLOG THIS I KNOW WHAT THE HELL RIGHT? And also when JT gave Russell the immunity idol in last week's episode I very literally closed my head in my computer. Anyhoodle.
8:45: So if they merge, Russell believes he's pulling all the strings, but only Parvati and Danielle know about the immunity idol (the other one, not Russell's). The heroes are totally convinced it's a Woman's alliance and JT is an idiot attempting to get out Parvati by tossing on the idol, WHICH WAS THE STUPIDEST THING EVER. So they laughed all the way to tribal council, where they voted out Courtney and damn, Sandra is PISSED and ya'll just know we'll have a merge. Also, if you've never read these before and you're on my blog and you don't watch this show, go fuck yourself. And maybe skip this entry? You'll see this occasionally. I liveblog Lost and Desperate Housewives religiously, and Survivor sporadically. And also some movies and special events and also one episode of Dr Who :)
8:47: JT's like “Dude, it's day 25, merge now plz? Kthnxbi”. Rupert hopes he's not pissing everybody off too much. Heroes have been told by mystical tree mail that “company will be arriving soon” so that's a merge symbol right there. Villains tree mail is a key, and a note (chorus: ooooo). The note is a map to Heroes camp and Sandra is HYPER and I totally hope she hits JT and sets this all straight. Basically, the Russell/Parvati/Danielle/Jerri plan is to tell JT that the idol was used, and they're going to try and send JT home and Sandra is creepily creeping around so shhhh you silly, silly people. Russell thinks he's got the only immunity idol in his pocket. I laugh at you, you sad little man. Shot of Villains, walking. OPENING CREDITS!
And ad break. Whatever. This isn't even TiVo'd so I can't fast forward. Frick.
8:55: Back at Heroes camp, there are Villains on the horizon and Rupert is smokey. Parvati claims she's the queen, and has to keep some secrets, and only her lady in waiting, Danielle, knows about it – oh my god, taking the analogy too far. The first thing JT noticed was...Parvati. He's like “oh, so Parvati must have also played an idol so there's no no idols in the game”. Hahahahahahaa JT fails at life. So it's the gratuitous part of the episode where they change buffs and feat on raw vegetables and a pig's head, and they need to think of a new name. Jerri's like “we're all Villains” but Rupert's like “BAD ATTITUDE, YA'LL” and I'm totally with him. Parvati is fanning herself regally and feeling left out of Russell's little circle, and none of the Heroes are happy that she's here, so she's thinking they'll vote for her. Oh, nice play - “do people think I'm stupid? Like, do they think I'm stupid?” “Yeah.” Thanks Danielle. Parvati will seek her revenge dananananananana. And I just missed a whole heap of Russell telling everyone how relieved he is and now JT's like “He's a solid, country boy. It's cool. Brother” - Dude, we may be on an Island, but you ain't Desmond.
9:01: Tropical music plays. Sandra is setting Rupert straight, because the Heroes aren't aware of the alliance, and SANDRA WANTS REVENGE. Rupert, please believe it. It is actually quite admirable the way Sandra plays this game, despite being a villains. Rupert doesn't know if they're getting played, but at least he's seeing a little clearer. “This is where the game gets crazy” - that, I agree with, dude. Ad break.
9:05: There is a big, tense moment about eggs, and being inspired. About eggs. Okay I am so dubious. JT is so oblivious to the fact that he's going home. The Villains keep eating, and Rupet's like “they are a greedy ass, eating ass, pain in the ass tribe”. They are, because these guys do not understand the shortage of food here. Rupert is attempting to confer with the other guys, and JT wholeheartedly believes Russell's shit, and everyone else is like “...okay, let's try a little test”. Oh my god, JT is so naïve. I LIKED HIM SO MUCH IN TOCHANSITICISIHS BUT SERIOUSLY, I WANT TO STAB HIM. “Do you believe Sandra, or the obvious truth?”. JT is like “if Sandra's telling me the truth, I'm gone next, but HHAHAHAHAHA that could never happen” oh my god please vote him out for funsies. Sandra has rigged herself up a balaclava.
9:09: Amanda is talking to Parvati, and Amanda, I like you (a lot, at this point of time), but if you fuck this up for Rupert, I will be pissed. Amanda is lying to Parvati but it's okay and WHAT PARVATI TOTALLY JUST SPILT THE IDOL! Wow, nice move Amanda. Also, they have a handshake. What? Ad break.
9:15: Jeff is being all hosty. The tribe is called “Yin Yang” which I like a bit. Jeff has taken back the idol OMG THAT IS TOTALLY OUT OF THE BLUE SINCE WHEN? (I am joking, catch sarcasm). Another challenge not disimilar to last week's balancing challenge, also sans puzzle, which is weird, but this time they're hanging onto poles for as long as possible and it's scary. Colby and Sandra were both failing and they decided to step down together. Ah well. It does look pretty goddamn hard. And is Rupert's toe still broken. Candace, Danielle, Parvati very solid, as is Amanda, except she's “low on the post”. Russell has stepped down but any bets he thinks he's safe. Candace looks completely unaffected. Rupert's stepped out. Danielle looks HOT (as in, boiling, not shmexy). Amanda has stepped out and as much as I have come to dislike Candace, I hope she wins. I'll shoot JT if he wins, but he did just make me laugh with the pretend fall, justified with an ACTUAL fall. Four people left - ROLL CALL! – Candace, who is hugging that pole; Danielle, who looks fucking unfomfortable; Jerri – likewise; Parvati – who is fucking amazing at this challenge. Jerri has stepped out after an hour and a half. Parvati was one leg balancing – what the fucking fuck. Parvati's doing the crouching frog. Candace is stepping down – WHY? WHY IN THE FUCKING WORLD? Candace, you are a fucking lunatic. Parvati is climbing down so Danielle can win, because Parvati has the idol. And for the boys, Danielle just got her boob out – damn, that boob job is terrible, but nicely covered by the immunity necklace. AD BREAK. Rupert, despite being insane, actually has the best scope on this game at the moment.
9:27: Over at Yin Yang, JT was kind of on to something but then I think he pretty much blew it. Um, the stepping down was kind of suspicious. They want to vote Jerri out, but when JT gets voted out, I hope it serves as an example. Sandra doesn't want to get in trouble, but she wants Russell out, and unfortunately, she's stuck with him. Russell is, wait for it, willing to give Parvati this immunity idol to SAVE HERSELF from elimination and OH MY GOD GIRL HAS BOTH IDOLS how the fuck is she doing it? She's realised what a dangerous player she is. Amanda is confuzzled. I think. But she acknowledges dangerousness.
9:32: Tribal time! Courtney and Coach are going to do some observing. And they're discussing Banana Ettiquete again and this is SO RANDOM. Danielle and Rupert are CLAWS OUT. Russell thinks that there's two seperate tribes and forget about bananas and shit. Jerri/JT shit. God, everyone has a bone to pick tonight? Courtney and Coach are discussing. Parvati feels like a leper and whoa Jeff good call - “is that because you're used to getting all the attention in life?” and Colby is playing ALL the angles. The idols are currently a “trending topic” per se. Danielle is keeping the necklace, but everyone else is fair game, so let's do this thang.
9:36: Completely un-strategically, Russell is voting JT, but it is irrelevent. Parvati is doing the same. Oh my god, please go home. Jerri is also voting JT, but Amanda's voting Jerri and so is Rupert and oh my god, are they trying to make this obvious so it's a surprise. Candace has also voted Jerri, because she's the least likely person to have the idol, and Courtney also has a good scope on the game, but unfortunately, she's out of the game. Jeff's going to “tally the votes”. Ad break. Ooh, the suspense is killing me. Come on, big ole end of episode twist! AHHH END OF AD BREAK I WANT TO BE ON TWITTER TO WATCH THIS PAN OUT. I am actually tripping with GLEE at this tribal council.
9:42: HOLY SHIT SANDRA IDOL? Haha, wrong person. And...WHAYTTEIWERNFTH IUDFNMIURENM JERRI IDOL??? HOLY SHIT!kbg8unfaj dojg nsz famnt gofgnb uatjr WHOA WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED OH MY GOD UHHHH??? PARVATI??? WHERE DID THAT EVEN COME FROM? Haha. Bye JT. Rupert knew they shouldn't have trusted that bitch. Two votes Jerri, but they don't count. And another. And another. And another. J.T, one vote. And another. And another. And that's enough. And Jeff's right, that shit was cray-cray.
And if this is the first recap of mine you've ever read, mazel tov on conquering it. That was a frickload of writing, right there.
9:45: Next week – Russell loses control, Sandra takes control (she wants to take down Russell, hello), and JT feels like a total idiot right now, and NOW he's learnt his lesson. Also, his major lesson was “don't trust women” - shut up you sexist prick, you.
'Til next time, amigos.
Liveblog Review ™ -
Survivor – Heroes vs. Villains, Part Seven
8:42pm: I am an idiot an missed last week's liveblogging opportunity in order to do this weird thing some people call “homework” - as my newly gifted School Planner states “What is homework?” - so I believe this is part seven of my recapping expedition? Or possibly eight? I am unsure of what exactly is happening and this will be severly disjointed from the last one, and also I will possibly BLOG THIS I KNOW WHAT THE HELL RIGHT? And also when JT gave Russell the immunity idol in last week's episode I very literally closed my head in my computer. Anyhoodle.
8:45: So if they merge, Russell believes he's pulling all the strings, but only Parvati and Danielle know about the immunity idol (the other one, not Russell's). The heroes are totally convinced it's a Woman's alliance and JT is an idiot attempting to get out Parvati by tossing on the idol, WHICH WAS THE STUPIDEST THING EVER. So they laughed all the way to tribal council, where they voted out Courtney and damn, Sandra is PISSED and ya'll just know we'll have a merge. Also, if you've never read these before and you're on my blog and you don't watch this show, go fuck yourself. And maybe skip this entry? You'll see this occasionally. I liveblog Lost and Desperate Housewives religiously, and Survivor sporadically. And also some movies and special events and also one episode of Dr Who :)
8:47: JT's like “Dude, it's day 25, merge now plz? Kthnxbi”. Rupert hopes he's not pissing everybody off too much. Heroes have been told by mystical tree mail that “company will be arriving soon” so that's a merge symbol right there. Villains tree mail is a key, and a note (chorus: ooooo). The note is a map to Heroes camp and Sandra is HYPER and I totally hope she hits JT and sets this all straight. Basically, the Russell/Parvati/Danielle/Jerri plan is to tell JT that the idol was used, and they're going to try and send JT home and Sandra is creepily creeping around so shhhh you silly, silly people. Russell thinks he's got the only immunity idol in his pocket. I laugh at you, you sad little man. Shot of Villains, walking. OPENING CREDITS!
And ad break. Whatever. This isn't even TiVo'd so I can't fast forward. Frick.
8:55: Back at Heroes camp, there are Villains on the horizon and Rupert is smokey. Parvati claims she's the queen, and has to keep some secrets, and only her lady in waiting, Danielle, knows about it – oh my god, taking the analogy too far. The first thing JT noticed was...Parvati. He's like “oh, so Parvati must have also played an idol so there's no no idols in the game”. Hahahahahahaa JT fails at life. So it's the gratuitous part of the episode where they change buffs and feat on raw vegetables and a pig's head, and they need to think of a new name. Jerri's like “we're all Villains” but Rupert's like “BAD ATTITUDE, YA'LL” and I'm totally with him. Parvati is fanning herself regally and feeling left out of Russell's little circle, and none of the Heroes are happy that she's here, so she's thinking they'll vote for her. Oh, nice play - “do people think I'm stupid? Like, do they think I'm stupid?” “Yeah.” Thanks Danielle. Parvati will seek her revenge dananananananana. And I just missed a whole heap of Russell telling everyone how relieved he is and now JT's like “He's a solid, country boy. It's cool. Brother” - Dude, we may be on an Island, but you ain't Desmond.
9:01: Tropical music plays. Sandra is setting Rupert straight, because the Heroes aren't aware of the alliance, and SANDRA WANTS REVENGE. Rupert, please believe it. It is actually quite admirable the way Sandra plays this game, despite being a villains. Rupert doesn't know if they're getting played, but at least he's seeing a little clearer. “This is where the game gets crazy” - that, I agree with, dude. Ad break.
9:05: There is a big, tense moment about eggs, and being inspired. About eggs. Okay I am so dubious. JT is so oblivious to the fact that he's going home. The Villains keep eating, and Rupet's like “they are a greedy ass, eating ass, pain in the ass tribe”. They are, because these guys do not understand the shortage of food here. Rupert is attempting to confer with the other guys, and JT wholeheartedly believes Russell's shit, and everyone else is like “...okay, let's try a little test”. Oh my god, JT is so naïve. I LIKED HIM SO MUCH IN TOCHANSITICISIHS BUT SERIOUSLY, I WANT TO STAB HIM. “Do you believe Sandra, or the obvious truth?”. JT is like “if Sandra's telling me the truth, I'm gone next, but HHAHAHAHAHA that could never happen” oh my god please vote him out for funsies. Sandra has rigged herself up a balaclava.
9:09: Amanda is talking to Parvati, and Amanda, I like you (a lot, at this point of time), but if you fuck this up for Rupert, I will be pissed. Amanda is lying to Parvati but it's okay and WHAT PARVATI TOTALLY JUST SPILT THE IDOL! Wow, nice move Amanda. Also, they have a handshake. What? Ad break.
9:15: Jeff is being all hosty. The tribe is called “Yin Yang” which I like a bit. Jeff has taken back the idol OMG THAT IS TOTALLY OUT OF THE BLUE SINCE WHEN? (I am joking, catch sarcasm). Another challenge not disimilar to last week's balancing challenge, also sans puzzle, which is weird, but this time they're hanging onto poles for as long as possible and it's scary. Colby and Sandra were both failing and they decided to step down together. Ah well. It does look pretty goddamn hard. And is Rupert's toe still broken. Candace, Danielle, Parvati very solid, as is Amanda, except she's “low on the post”. Russell has stepped down but any bets he thinks he's safe. Candace looks completely unaffected. Rupert's stepped out. Danielle looks HOT (as in, boiling, not shmexy). Amanda has stepped out and as much as I have come to dislike Candace, I hope she wins. I'll shoot JT if he wins, but he did just make me laugh with the pretend fall, justified with an ACTUAL fall. Four people left - ROLL CALL! – Candace, who is hugging that pole; Danielle, who looks fucking unfomfortable; Jerri – likewise; Parvati – who is fucking amazing at this challenge. Jerri has stepped out after an hour and a half. Parvati was one leg balancing – what the fucking fuck. Parvati's doing the crouching frog. Candace is stepping down – WHY? WHY IN THE FUCKING WORLD? Candace, you are a fucking lunatic. Parvati is climbing down so Danielle can win, because Parvati has the idol. And for the boys, Danielle just got her boob out – damn, that boob job is terrible, but nicely covered by the immunity necklace. AD BREAK. Rupert, despite being insane, actually has the best scope on this game at the moment.
9:27: Over at Yin Yang, JT was kind of on to something but then I think he pretty much blew it. Um, the stepping down was kind of suspicious. They want to vote Jerri out, but when JT gets voted out, I hope it serves as an example. Sandra doesn't want to get in trouble, but she wants Russell out, and unfortunately, she's stuck with him. Russell is, wait for it, willing to give Parvati this immunity idol to SAVE HERSELF from elimination and OH MY GOD GIRL HAS BOTH IDOLS how the fuck is she doing it? She's realised what a dangerous player she is. Amanda is confuzzled. I think. But she acknowledges dangerousness.
9:32: Tribal time! Courtney and Coach are going to do some observing. And they're discussing Banana Ettiquete again and this is SO RANDOM. Danielle and Rupert are CLAWS OUT. Russell thinks that there's two seperate tribes and forget about bananas and shit. Jerri/JT shit. God, everyone has a bone to pick tonight? Courtney and Coach are discussing. Parvati feels like a leper and whoa Jeff good call - “is that because you're used to getting all the attention in life?” and Colby is playing ALL the angles. The idols are currently a “trending topic” per se. Danielle is keeping the necklace, but everyone else is fair game, so let's do this thang.
9:36: Completely un-strategically, Russell is voting JT, but it is irrelevent. Parvati is doing the same. Oh my god, please go home. Jerri is also voting JT, but Amanda's voting Jerri and so is Rupert and oh my god, are they trying to make this obvious so it's a surprise. Candace has also voted Jerri, because she's the least likely person to have the idol, and Courtney also has a good scope on the game, but unfortunately, she's out of the game. Jeff's going to “tally the votes”. Ad break. Ooh, the suspense is killing me. Come on, big ole end of episode twist! AHHH END OF AD BREAK I WANT TO BE ON TWITTER TO WATCH THIS PAN OUT. I am actually tripping with GLEE at this tribal council.
9:42: HOLY SHIT SANDRA IDOL? Haha, wrong person. And...WHAYTTEIWERNFTH IUDFNMIURENM JERRI IDOL??? HOLY SHIT!kbg8unfaj dojg nsz famnt gofgnb uatjr WHOA WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED OH MY GOD UHHHH??? PARVATI??? WHERE DID THAT EVEN COME FROM? Haha. Bye JT. Rupert knew they shouldn't have trusted that bitch. Two votes Jerri, but they don't count. And another. And another. And another. J.T, one vote. And another. And another. And that's enough. And Jeff's right, that shit was cray-cray.
And if this is the first recap of mine you've ever read, mazel tov on conquering it. That was a frickload of writing, right there.
9:45: Next week – Russell loses control, Sandra takes control (she wants to take down Russell, hello), and JT feels like a total idiot right now, and NOW he's learnt his lesson. Also, his major lesson was “don't trust women” - shut up you sexist prick, you.
'Til next time, amigos.
An Open Letter of Apology To Jack Bauer (and more apologising)
Dear Jack Bauer,
If you recall, a couple of days ago (see here, in the last-ish paragraph) I might or might not have said some things about you. I'm going to use this as an opportunity to make ammends, because I sure as hell do not want you on my back (in between all the, you know, world saving and stuff). See, my mum read that post - and she's a big fan - and she took offence for you. I don't distinctly recall saying anything remotely offensive, but alas, my mother is somewhat easily affected.
So I'm sorry I called you out on "BEING FUCKING HARDCORE". I understand now that swearing at you will probably only achieve angering you. I'd like to assure you that I meant it in a completely innocent (well, as innocent as that gets), friendly, admiring way. I may have said that I hate the show, but it's nothing personal. You are Jack freaking Bauer. You save the world. Keep on it, homeboy. That's a good career path to be the best in. The president trusts you, bro. I can't say that about myself, if we're keeping it between you and I.
Anyway, I'm glad we cleared this up, Jack. Keep on doing your thing. Saving the world, taking orders from the president, stopping terrorism and all that. It's pretty heroic and admirable and all. I'll stay out of your way.
Sincerely,
Sara
(I suppose ending with x's and o's would be a touch presumptuous?)
Anyway, I'm just sitting here, being me, and it's all good. I would also like to share with you a little text exchange that occured on the bus (in a complete joking fashion, I assure you) (Well, on his part, at least):
Me: If this text works, I have your number right. Also, make me a sandwich.
Mikey: Make me a beer and a sandwich while I do your best friend and watch the World Cup
Me: Sure, you sexist douche. Can the sandwich be a knuckle one? While I'm at it, should I grab one for your boyfriend?
Because that's the life I lead. Anyway, moving on:
(I love that show passionately) 
If you recall, a couple of days ago (see here, in the last-ish paragraph) I might or might not have said some things about you. I'm going to use this as an opportunity to make ammends, because I sure as hell do not want you on my back (in between all the, you know, world saving and stuff). See, my mum read that post - and she's a big fan - and she took offence for you. I don't distinctly recall saying anything remotely offensive, but alas, my mother is somewhat easily affected.
So I'm sorry I called you out on "BEING FUCKING HARDCORE". I understand now that swearing at you will probably only achieve angering you. I'd like to assure you that I meant it in a completely innocent (well, as innocent as that gets), friendly, admiring way. I may have said that I hate the show, but it's nothing personal. You are Jack freaking Bauer. You save the world. Keep on it, homeboy. That's a good career path to be the best in. The president trusts you, bro. I can't say that about myself, if we're keeping it between you and I.
Anyway, I'm glad we cleared this up, Jack. Keep on doing your thing. Saving the world, taking orders from the president, stopping terrorism and all that. It's pretty heroic and admirable and all. I'll stay out of your way.
Sincerely,
Sara
(I suppose ending with x's and o's would be a touch presumptuous?)
Anyway, I'm just sitting here, being me, and it's all good. I would also like to share with you a little text exchange that occured on the bus (in a complete joking fashion, I assure you) (Well, on his part, at least):
Me: If this text works, I have your number right. Also, make me a sandwich.
Mikey: Make me a beer and a sandwich while I do your best friend and watch the World Cup
Me: Sure, you sexist douche. Can the sandwich be a knuckle one? While I'm at it, should I grab one for your boyfriend?
Because that's the life I lead. Anyway, moving on:
I'd like to issue an official, Sara-authorised apology to everyone who has come/will come in contact with me this week. I've been on a bit of a bitch streak. I've been experiencing a few emotional "ups and downs" this week and I may be hazardous to touch, provoke or even come into the eye-line of. One minute I could be all civil and the nex
SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PATHETIC, EASILY OFFENDED WEIRDOS.
I jest. But that's a pretty accurate example. Be careful.
RANDOM PICTURES FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT BUMPER EDITION:
(I love that show passionately) 
(OH MY GOD GLEE ON THURSDAY) (OKAY THAT'S ALL)
Monday, April 26, 2010
"Hey, that sounds exactly like the beginning of that song!" "Which song?" "DUDE! THAT SONG! You know the one!" "Oh, that song"
I have, unintentionally, become a part of a band - temporarily, as far as I know. We don't have a name, but we can play three songs. Three! That's quite a full little repertoire there! Well, to be fair, they can play more, but I am only able to play three with them, and I'm quite terrible, and I'm not sure what my attitude is to the imminent embarrassment you just know is coming Sunday night. As they're all guys, this means I have to lend my vocals to songs by Green Day (yeah, I can get on board with that), Jimmy Eat World (HELL TO THE YES), and Bon Jovi (which unfortunately means I will have to sing things like "blood red nails on your fingertips" and "a school boy's dream, you act so shy" and I either have to change the lyrics or play the lesbian vibe. Hmm). I also spent a hell of a lot of time googling videos that makes me smile (see: 1, 2, 3, 4 by the Plain White Ts and It Had To Be You by Motion City Soundtrack).
Anyway, irrelevent. What I wanted to say was that this brought into my mind the old arguement of what I would name my imaginary band.
Literal drumroll, please.
Anyway, when people ask me what I would call a potential band, my safe answer that I tell them, which also rings massively true because it sounds freaking epic, The Leopluradons, after the classic Charlie The Unicorn. I am a massive nerd. I could settle for, say Starfish Loves You as well. A Hunger That Only Hands Can Satisfy? A little bit long. Maybe The Letter Y because...yeah, wow, that's a gold mine. Thank you Jason.
I have pet names to. You know, things like Dirty Looks, Bad Vibes (the heading in a book of my mother's I read once that I adopted somewhat). Also on that list are Don't Do Drugs (because a positive healthy message is exactly what the kids of today need). Forgive/Forget - because I'm a fan of creative use of punctuation, also seen in something like Dance.Live.Dance. There's another big major one, but I'm not going to tell you it because I'm going to reserve it for when it actually happens - which will take a hell of a lot of work. Until then, I'm going to stuck with untitled band, at least for the duration of the week.
So I thought I'd let you guys into my head a little.
Actually, if you were to step into my mind right now, you'd get blasted at with "IT JUST TAKES SOME TIME, LITTLE GIRL, YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIDE, EVERYTHING EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE, EVERYTHING EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT ALRIGHT"
I am trying to memorise things. Shut up.
Also, long weekend has been fantastic for no real reason (seriously, my only social outings have been band practices, other than that it's been homework and movies with the family). I ate some Anzac biscuits on ANZAC day. I felt patriotic. School tomorrow and I'm so tempted just not to go.
Also, I accidentally wrote THE MOST EMO PIECE OF POETRY EVER. It did happen to involve the stanza:
I'll leave you on that joyous, happen note.
Anyway, irrelevent. What I wanted to say was that this brought into my mind the old arguement of what I would name my imaginary band.
Literal drumroll, please.
Anyway, when people ask me what I would call a potential band, my safe answer that I tell them, which also rings massively true because it sounds freaking epic, The Leopluradons, after the classic Charlie The Unicorn. I am a massive nerd. I could settle for, say Starfish Loves You as well. A Hunger That Only Hands Can Satisfy? A little bit long. Maybe The Letter Y because...yeah, wow, that's a gold mine. Thank you Jason.
I have pet names to. You know, things like Dirty Looks, Bad Vibes (the heading in a book of my mother's I read once that I adopted somewhat). Also on that list are Don't Do Drugs (because a positive healthy message is exactly what the kids of today need). Forgive/Forget - because I'm a fan of creative use of punctuation, also seen in something like Dance.Live.Dance. There's another big major one, but I'm not going to tell you it because I'm going to reserve it for when it actually happens - which will take a hell of a lot of work. Until then, I'm going to stuck with untitled band, at least for the duration of the week.
So I thought I'd let you guys into my head a little.
Actually, if you were to step into my mind right now, you'd get blasted at with "IT JUST TAKES SOME TIME, LITTLE GIRL, YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIDE, EVERYTHING EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE, EVERYTHING EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT ALRIGHT"
I am trying to memorise things. Shut up.
Also, long weekend has been fantastic for no real reason (seriously, my only social outings have been band practices, other than that it's been homework and movies with the family). I ate some Anzac biscuits on ANZAC day. I felt patriotic. School tomorrow and I'm so tempted just not to go.
Also, I accidentally wrote THE MOST EMO PIECE OF POETRY EVER. It did happen to involve the stanza:
She liked to run her fingers through the flesh
The soft skin on the underside of her arm
Leaving train tracks
Dots of scarlet
To remind herself that she was human
I'll leave you on that joyous, happen note.
Friday, April 23, 2010
What would you do if a wood chuck chucked, if a wood chuck would chuck wood? I would chuck the wood that the wood chuck chucked so the wood chuck wouldn't chuck wood
So, I went with Irrational Sara last night, and decided to make the trek to the Grandparents abode for dinner. Nothing happened. My life is so entertaining. However, the food was worth it - dude, I am a sucker for chicken soup. I managed to reign in the coughing and sneezing while we were there so as to not infect anyone as far as I'm aware. Irrational Me was quite satisfied with herself, so Rational Me took to sulking in the corner all night. Poor dear also wanted me to not have seconds - bless.
Here is my history test revision:
"There has been a lot of arguements, the say as to whether Dear Old England should have gone into the Fray, but right thinking people all wanted her to fight, for when there's shady business, Britannia puts it right" E Scott - The Official History of Australia in the War 1914-1918
"There are no longer liberalites and labourites, there are simply Australians who have vowed to keep the Union Jack flying" The Brisbane Courier, pg 6, 6th August 1914
"We will stand by [the mother country] to help and defend her to our last man and our last shilling" Andrew Fisher, The Argus, 1st August 1914
"When the Empire is at war, so is Australia at war" Joseph Cook, August 3rd 1914
"As Australia was at war, it was my duty as a free young man to enlist"
"My motives for enlisting were...a sense of duty to Australia"
"...Here was an opportunity to see the other side of the world"
"...what life would be like if Germany won"
All J.N.I Dawes & L.L Robson, Citizen to Soldier, Melbourne University Press, Melbourne, 1977
BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING ME TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WITH MY PROCRASTINATION TIME! Those are the quotes I've remembered so far as to personal and political reasons for going to war. I hate this topic so much. So, so, so much.
Here is my history test revision:
"There has been a lot of arguements, the say as to whether Dear Old England should have gone into the Fray, but right thinking people all wanted her to fight, for when there's shady business, Britannia puts it right" E Scott - The Official History of Australia in the War 1914-1918
"There are no longer liberalites and labourites, there are simply Australians who have vowed to keep the Union Jack flying" The Brisbane Courier, pg 6, 6th August 1914
"We will stand by [the mother country] to help and defend her to our last man and our last shilling" Andrew Fisher, The Argus, 1st August 1914
"When the Empire is at war, so is Australia at war" Joseph Cook, August 3rd 1914
"As Australia was at war, it was my duty as a free young man to enlist"
"My motives for enlisting were...a sense of duty to Australia"
"...Here was an opportunity to see the other side of the world"
"...what life would be like if Germany won"
All J.N.I Dawes & L.L Robson, Citizen to Soldier, Melbourne University Press, Melbourne, 1977
BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING ME TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WITH MY PROCRASTINATION TIME! Those are the quotes I've remembered so far as to personal and political reasons for going to war. I hate this topic so much. So, so, so much.
And meanwhile, on 24, Jack Bauer is BEING FUCKING HARDCORE. Like seriously, recovering for bullet wounds and "I only take commands from the president directly" shit. And also, I hate this show. Unlike How I Met Your Mother, which I'm watching again now for the third time. Come on, it's a marathon. And it has a musical number - or is it just me who's a sucker for musical numbers, particularly when combined with Neil Patrick Harris? Just me, then.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Am I indecisive? Um...can I have a few moments to think about that? Urm...
So you know how a while ago I had a multiple personality discussion with myself? I'm worried that we're going to have to make that other personality of mine (because here I present you with a hearty combination of both) a permanent fixture over here, because it's getting quite worrying. So as you know, I've been sick, and my grandparents are going away soon and it's Friday night and there a big debate as to whether or not I should go at risk of infecting everyone with my death disease (NB: I have been referred to in the past as a "drama queen").
The Players
Me (r) - rational; likes cooked food and nicely prepared meals; wears shoes that fit (and carries a spare pair of socks); reads heavy novels and rational, entertaining non fiction; watches educational television (MasterChef gets a pass) and movies with messages; is the voice of reason amongst friends; protects her skin sufficiently from the sun
Me (i) - irrational; eats raw cake batter and cookie dough, as well as foods which don't require actual cooking and fast food; doesn't wear shoes often enough (ones that fit, at least); reads ridiculous romances and teenage fiction religiously; watches reality television (Survivor, note) and cheesy rom-coms (with or without the "rom" part is fine); is a complete random with no awareness of social cues; goes to the beach and gets sunburnt in twenty seconds
Me (r): So how are you feeling?
Me (i): I'm DYING. DYING I TELL YOU.
Me (r): Dude, you've been sick for three days. If you were going to die, you'd have died already. I'm feeling...a little unwell, but better than I have been feeling, it has to be said.
Me (i): Haha, yeah, I don't care. Anyway, dinner tonight.
Me (r): I know. We're in a bit of a conundrum, aren't we?
Me (i): Oh, it's so cute how you think you can use that word seriously. You're adorable. Anyway, I'm hungry, so I'm going.
Me (r): But they'll bring you a plate regardless! And we don't want to infect Sonia - she just came out of hospital!
Me (i): Yeah, for a freaking broken foot or something. Besides, it's not the same.
Me (r): I know what you mean, but we can't just think about ourselves. The grandparents are going away to Canada. Have their health in mind.
Me (i): Yeah, but...STRAWBERRY SNOW. DUDE.
Me (r): I admit, that's a really good point. In fact, very persuasive. You do realise, though, that everyone will just avoid us all night because we're all plagued out, and to be avoided? If we so much as sneeze, you just know everyone will jump up and go "DO YOU WANT TO GO LIE DOWN?"
Me (i): So I won't sneeze. I'll implode my nose.
Me (r): This is why I'm the rational one.
Me (i): Hey, they're eating pumpkin on Masterchef. Do you want some crackers with pesto aoli? 'Cause I can totally do that for you. We can share. You know we love aoli.
Me (r): True...
And then the argument never gets resolved, because yet again, I distract myself with false promises. Usually of food. Do I come off as a pig?
Don't answer that.
I just noted that both rational and irrational me are partial to the word "dude". That is an unfortunate reflection on my personality.
The Players
Me (r) - rational; likes cooked food and nicely prepared meals; wears shoes that fit (and carries a spare pair of socks); reads heavy novels and rational, entertaining non fiction; watches educational television (MasterChef gets a pass) and movies with messages; is the voice of reason amongst friends; protects her skin sufficiently from the sun
Me (i) - irrational; eats raw cake batter and cookie dough, as well as foods which don't require actual cooking and fast food; doesn't wear shoes often enough (ones that fit, at least); reads ridiculous romances and teenage fiction religiously; watches reality television (Survivor, note) and cheesy rom-coms (with or without the "rom" part is fine); is a complete random with no awareness of social cues; goes to the beach and gets sunburnt in twenty seconds
Me (r): So how are you feeling?
Me (i): I'm DYING. DYING I TELL YOU.
Me (r): Dude, you've been sick for three days. If you were going to die, you'd have died already. I'm feeling...a little unwell, but better than I have been feeling, it has to be said.
Me (i): Haha, yeah, I don't care. Anyway, dinner tonight.
Me (r): I know. We're in a bit of a conundrum, aren't we?
Me (i): Oh, it's so cute how you think you can use that word seriously. You're adorable. Anyway, I'm hungry, so I'm going.
Me (r): But they'll bring you a plate regardless! And we don't want to infect Sonia - she just came out of hospital!
Me (i): Yeah, for a freaking broken foot or something. Besides, it's not the same.
Me (r): I know what you mean, but we can't just think about ourselves. The grandparents are going away to Canada. Have their health in mind.
Me (i): Yeah, but...STRAWBERRY SNOW. DUDE.
Me (r): I admit, that's a really good point. In fact, very persuasive. You do realise, though, that everyone will just avoid us all night because we're all plagued out, and to be avoided? If we so much as sneeze, you just know everyone will jump up and go "DO YOU WANT TO GO LIE DOWN?"
Me (i): So I won't sneeze. I'll implode my nose.
Me (r): This is why I'm the rational one.
Me (i): Hey, they're eating pumpkin on Masterchef. Do you want some crackers with pesto aoli? 'Cause I can totally do that for you. We can share. You know we love aoli.
Me (r): True...
And then the argument never gets resolved, because yet again, I distract myself with false promises. Usually of food. Do I come off as a pig?
Don't answer that.
I just noted that both rational and irrational me are partial to the word "dude". That is an unfortunate reflection on my personality.
How To De-Bone Your Quail (And Other Unneccessary Capitalization)
Because I'm sick today, here is what's on my agenda, and what each step entails:
- Watch last night's episode of MasterChef. Laugh at the ridiculousness. Become obsessed with the word quail. Note to self how important it is to sucessfully de-bone your quail, as per the title of this post. Pretend to be Matt Preston. Get hungry. Feel nauseous at the thought of excessively rich food. Remember that acorns are poisonous to humans. Damn squirrels. Love the use of the word "pillowy" as a serious adjective for food. Love the pronunciation of the word "gnochi" but be unsure how to spell it.
- Take a couple of panadol, which was my intention this morning until I forgot, and then accidentally kept forgetting. I will get there. Once MasterChef's finished (is it sad that MasterChef is one of my most frequently used labels?). Alternatively, a cold and fly tablet. I might do that.
- Watch Lost (again) - "Everybody Loves Hurley" (ESPECIALLY ME!) - so I can liveblog it (I really should post my liveblogs. Maybe I'll add a page to my blog) even though I've seen it already and just felt too sick to write about it.
- Heat up a mug of soup and eat it, after a brief confusion about which spoon to use. Hopefully manage to add a correct amount of salt and pepper without accidentally heaping the entire salt shaker into my mug, as per last time.
- Check the mail. There won't be any mail, because our post man (lady?) is a lazy bugger and appears to just decide not to do it some days. Check again periodically, if I can drag myself off the couch.
- Start watching some meaningless fluff - Win A Date With Tad Hamilton, anyone? Probably fall asleep. Overheat, thrash around a bit, change pants.
- Determine whether or not I'm well enough to attend Friday Night dinner - my grandparents don't want me there because I could spray my aerosol germs around and infect them all with the plague before they go to Canada/Chicago/Singapore OH MY GOD MYSTERY BOX CHANLLENGE NET WEEK anyway as I was saying everybody hates me.
- Try and sleep. Fail. Eat chips.
- Salvage three month old episodes of The IT Crowd out of TiVo's "Recently Deleted" folder because it never fails to make me laugh.
- Sigh.
- Repeat step 10. Multiple times. Cough a bit as well. Sniffle. Think about doing something else. Repeat step 10 again.
Anyway, that's all for now. I'm off to possibly add another page. Don't go eating any acorns on me.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really want to swear right now
But I won't.
That's how rubbish I feel.
Also, I'm massively craving hot chips.
And warmth. I was hot before, but no longer.
And I'm wearing the shirt Liora bought for me in Israel.
And this song is excessively, massively catchy and I want to sing except I can't.
And that ad for the Navy they slotted into So You Think You Can Dance was shitty.
Well, there goes the not swearing thing.
I attempted to watch Lost today while sick. What did I take from it? Pretty much that Hurley is awesome. That's all I took from it.
That's how rubbish I feel.
Also, I'm massively craving hot chips.
And warmth. I was hot before, but no longer.
And I'm wearing the shirt Liora bought for me in Israel.
And this song is excessively, massively catchy and I want to sing except I can't.
And that ad for the Navy they slotted into So You Think You Can Dance was shitty.
Well, there goes the not swearing thing.
I attempted to watch Lost today while sick. What did I take from it? Pretty much that Hurley is awesome. That's all I took from it.
...And I Love You (very relevent!)
Technically, I shouldn't be posting this, because hundreds and thousands of tiny little germs are donning their hard hats and armour and pelting me with tiny little bullets that aren't enough to break me, but are very slowly wearing me down until I can't move. Dude, I actually slept in the afternoon. That is the opposite of what I would usually do - I can't afternoon sleep. And I did. That's how intense it is.
I'm doing this because I promised I would, so Sah over at Drawer Of Birds can steal it and put it on her blog, and because I believe it's geniuinely hilarious, although I am dying of illness, which may have somewhat impaired my sense of humour. Anyway, have any of ya'll read the poem "The Muffins Got Stuck Today" by John Laws? Well, here it is!
"The muffins got stuck today
I never know the difference between muffins and crumpets
But they would have stuck anyway
And I love you.
My watch stopped today
And I didn't have five cents to ring up the man
And he might have been wrong anyway
And I love you.
I ripped my jeans today
Rips give character anyway
And I was busting my pants to see you
And I love you.
My heart stopped thinking today
It stopped at the thought
That you might want to know it that way.
If that is so let it quietly layAs it cannot amount to anything
Any other way
Without you.
And I love you."
So my friends and I are hilariously witty, and the following is an exchange that occurred during a very educational discussion of the aforementioned poem (and "The Sunne Rising" by John Dunne - I hope that's how you spell his name, because it makes it sound more comedic). My words are in bold, Sarah's in normal and Liora's in italics. Commentry I've added is in red because my mum might read this, and some probably needs a little explanation. Turns out, some things seem even worse when massively out of context. Also, all of mine are true to some extent. I can't say the same for most of Sarah's.
A poem I like to refer to as...(dramatic pause)...And I Love You
I ate some chocolate today
But you'd steal it, because you're a massive chocolate whore (...you might have noticed an in joke there)
I probably deserved it after stealing your freddo anyway
And I love you.
My cable turned off today
It's probably because I didn't pay the bills
I didn't even like the Lifestyle Channel anyway
And I love you.
I bitched about someone's shirt today
Then I realized everyone was wearing the same one
It's ugly anyway
And I love you.
I ran out of toothpaste today
The procrastination monster wouldn't let me get more
I don't feel like brushing my teeth anyway (Sah would like the stress that this DIDN'T HAPPEN!)
And I love you.
I ate baked potatoes today (last night, really)
What I really wanted was oven chips (sorry mum)
I ate them anyway
And I love you.
I found a wrinkle in my shirt today
I was in the mood for a crease free shirt
I never iron anyway
And I love you.
I had a conversation about writing evaluations today
I don't give a shit about evaluations
Who cares about shit poetry anyway?
And I love you.
I found a moth in my show today
I didn't want to wear the shoe anymore
I wore it anyway
And I love you.
My mum made me toast today
It didn't get stuck, au cantrere
I didn't want it to get stuck anyway.
And I love you.
I wanted pancakes today
We didn't have any so I had toast
The toast was nice anyway
And I love you.
A teacher spoke about sexual arousal today (there was context, I swear. He's not a pervert.)
It made me feel extremely uncomfortable (because I have immaturity issues)
I listened anyway (because I had to)
And I love you.
I tripped over a rouge brick today
It made me hurt my toe
I would have tripped over something anyway
And I love you.
I thought about eating a pop tart today
It was sitting in its packet under a pile of crackers
Really, I wasn't going to eat it anyway.
And I love you.
A teacher suggested we "give it to the man" today
It made me feel like I was travelling in time
I wouldn't have given it to the man anyway
And I love you.
A friend used the words "give it to the man" in a poem today
I automatically thought about sex (blame the crowd I hang out with. They still think like ten year olds)
I would've done regardless.
And I love you.
A friend didn't respon to my last stanza today
I was offended
She's cool anyway.
And I love you.
I yelled at my friend today
I got very worked up
I'm sorry anyway (this was real, and I forgave her) :)
And I love you.
My mum agreed to let me stay at a friend's today
For several days, while she's away
Bitch gets to go to New Zealand anyway! (I love you mum, lucky cow)
And I love you.
I smelt some petrol today
The fumes are really bad for me
I like them anyway
And I love you.
I had a baby today
It was really not fun
It's not yours anyway.
And I love you.
I felt like being crude today
So I wrote a sexual innuendo
Or should I say, in-your-end-o? Whatever, anyway. (Oh god, I am so sorry)
And I love your mum.
I went to space today (I swear this geniuinely happened)
I met some aliens who ate me
I would have been eaten anyway
And I love you.
A bird moved into my beard today
Its "cheep"s keep me awake
I would have bought a bird anyway.
And I love you.
(Insert applause. God that took me ages, especially in compared to the rest of my posts. Obviously, when it was composed, my killer germs were being pacified by Sudafed. Now they have been set lose and they have tasted blood. And speaking of blood, a bonus for you!)
BONUS STANZA:
I chainsaw murdered someone today
And then I tried to cover up the evidence with guilt
I'm probably a manic sociopath anyway.
And I love you.
Also, a bonus thing I found in my notebook, after being given a ridiculous Geography project):
Australia:
When G-d made our animals, he was clearly having a laugh. Or drunk.
Geography:
When we wrote our projects, they were clearly only interested in torturing children. Or drunk.
That's all, amigos!
I'm doing this because I promised I would, so Sah over at Drawer Of Birds can steal it and put it on her blog, and because I believe it's geniuinely hilarious, although I am dying of illness, which may have somewhat impaired my sense of humour. Anyway, have any of ya'll read the poem "The Muffins Got Stuck Today" by John Laws? Well, here it is!
"The muffins got stuck today
I never know the difference between muffins and crumpets
But they would have stuck anyway
And I love you.
My watch stopped today
And I didn't have five cents to ring up the man
And he might have been wrong anyway
And I love you.
I ripped my jeans today
Rips give character anyway
And I was busting my pants to see you
And I love you.
My heart stopped thinking today
It stopped at the thought
That you might want to know it that way.
If that is so let it quietly layAs it cannot amount to anything
Any other way
Without you.
And I love you."
So my friends and I are hilariously witty, and the following is an exchange that occurred during a very educational discussion of the aforementioned poem (and "The Sunne Rising" by John Dunne - I hope that's how you spell his name, because it makes it sound more comedic). My words are in bold, Sarah's in normal and Liora's in italics. Commentry I've added is in red because my mum might read this, and some probably needs a little explanation. Turns out, some things seem even worse when massively out of context. Also, all of mine are true to some extent. I can't say the same for most of Sarah's.
A poem I like to refer to as...(dramatic pause)...And I Love You
I ate some chocolate today
But you'd steal it, because you're a massive chocolate whore (...you might have noticed an in joke there)
I probably deserved it after stealing your freddo anyway
And I love you.
My cable turned off today
It's probably because I didn't pay the bills
I didn't even like the Lifestyle Channel anyway
And I love you.
I bitched about someone's shirt today
Then I realized everyone was wearing the same one
It's ugly anyway
And I love you.
I ran out of toothpaste today
The procrastination monster wouldn't let me get more
I don't feel like brushing my teeth anyway (Sah would like the stress that this DIDN'T HAPPEN!)
And I love you.
I ate baked potatoes today (last night, really)
What I really wanted was oven chips (sorry mum)
I ate them anyway
And I love you.
I found a wrinkle in my shirt today
I was in the mood for a crease free shirt
I never iron anyway
And I love you.
I had a conversation about writing evaluations today
I don't give a shit about evaluations
Who cares about shit poetry anyway?
And I love you.
I found a moth in my show today
I didn't want to wear the shoe anymore
I wore it anyway
And I love you.
My mum made me toast today
It didn't get stuck, au cantrere
I didn't want it to get stuck anyway.
And I love you.
I wanted pancakes today
We didn't have any so I had toast
The toast was nice anyway
And I love you.
A teacher spoke about sexual arousal today (there was context, I swear. He's not a pervert.)
It made me feel extremely uncomfortable (because I have immaturity issues)
I listened anyway (because I had to)
And I love you.
I tripped over a rouge brick today
It made me hurt my toe
I would have tripped over something anyway
And I love you.
I thought about eating a pop tart today
It was sitting in its packet under a pile of crackers
Really, I wasn't going to eat it anyway.
And I love you.
A teacher suggested we "give it to the man" today
It made me feel like I was travelling in time
I wouldn't have given it to the man anyway
And I love you.
A friend used the words "give it to the man" in a poem today
I automatically thought about sex (blame the crowd I hang out with. They still think like ten year olds)
I would've done regardless.
And I love you.
A friend didn't respon to my last stanza today
I was offended
She's cool anyway.
And I love you.
I yelled at my friend today
I got very worked up
I'm sorry anyway (this was real, and I forgave her) :)
And I love you.
My mum agreed to let me stay at a friend's today
For several days, while she's away
Bitch gets to go to New Zealand anyway! (I love you mum, lucky cow)
And I love you.
I smelt some petrol today
The fumes are really bad for me
I like them anyway
And I love you.
I had a baby today
It was really not fun
It's not yours anyway.
And I love you.
I felt like being crude today
So I wrote a sexual innuendo
Or should I say, in-your-end-o? Whatever, anyway. (Oh god, I am so sorry)
And I love your mum.
I went to space today (I swear this geniuinely happened)
I met some aliens who ate me
I would have been eaten anyway
And I love you.
A bird moved into my beard today
Its "cheep"s keep me awake
I would have bought a bird anyway.
And I love you.
(Insert applause. God that took me ages, especially in compared to the rest of my posts. Obviously, when it was composed, my killer germs were being pacified by Sudafed. Now they have been set lose and they have tasted blood. And speaking of blood, a bonus for you!)
BONUS STANZA:
I chainsaw murdered someone today
And then I tried to cover up the evidence with guilt
I'm probably a manic sociopath anyway.
And I love you.
Also, a bonus thing I found in my notebook, after being given a ridiculous Geography project):
Australia:
When G-d made our animals, he was clearly having a laugh. Or drunk.
Geography:
When we wrote our projects, they were clearly only interested in torturing children. Or drunk.
That's all, amigos!
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