"I don't believe in much, but I do believe in duct tape" WARNING: LOST

Caution: If you don't like Lost, spoilers or having your head exploded by shows that are completely convoluted, here you go, my Lost "live" review - it would be live-er (because who wants to write "liver"?) if I had time to post it last night, however I was tired as hell and my brain had just been blown up. However, skip this post if you dislike...Lost. Or the aforementioned thing.

Caution Two: I didn't go easy on the swearing, or the caps locking, or the completely incoherent babble. Those things tend to just fit perfectly to Lost.

Caution three: Holy shit, it's long. Massively long. It was needed, I suppose, but try not to shoot me.

Live Review



Lost – Season Six, THE FINALE OH MY GOD


(No more Lost again, EVER. WHOASERS!)






8:39pm: I'm behind, and I haven't written about Lost in a bajillion years, but OH MY GOD IT'S THE FINAL FINALE EVER GIVE ME SOME ANSWERS PLEASE NOW? Okay, basically the gist of so far is a slow music montage in which Jack's dad's coffin has been recovered and is now at home in the sideways universe. Also some tender Kate/Sawyer moments, Not!Locke being badass and evil and shit and Ben making tea. Now Desmond and Kate are in the cool red sportscar – you had to see the last episode. Kate wants answers, Desmond wants to be cryptic because Desmond appears to be a Jacob-esque figure. Desmond's all “you don't realise it, but I am your friend.” Which is true, because of Island land, but I am SO CONFUSED ALREADY.


8:42: Kate's in the forest, walking around, and there's Jack standing in some water, having a cry. Jack cries, drink. Sawyer seems oddly at ease despite the whole freakabilly of the last few episodes. Jack doesn't feel any different, despite being the new Jacob. He's relaying Jacob's instructions, about finding the heart of the island. Hurley is there, being AWESOME BECAUSE HURLEY WINS AT LIFE. No, I will not ease off on the Caps Lock this episode. Sawyer tossed Desmond in the well, and Hurley “he's worse than Yoda.” They're going to go on their quest, but Sawyer's going off on his own, and Hurley and I both have a bad feeling about this. LOST rolls on screen, what the fuck I don't even...whatever, time to do a quick MasterChef catchup, because Lost/Spicks and Specks is forcing me to miss the end of the episode, and I feel strongly about Masterchef at the moment. This is going to be a stressful episode to liveblog, but I am a woman of steel, no?


8:48: At a motel in SidewaysLand, man is walking a dog, but that's not important. What's important is Hurley's big yellow hummer containing him and Sayid, and Sayid's all worried. Hurley brings out a gun to jot memories, it's not working. “You're insane” says Sayid. Hurley agrees, because he is insane, but he's cool insane and OH MY GO IT'S CHARLIE DUDE I'VE MISSED YOU! Charlie isn't dead in sideways land! Charlie doesn't care about the concert, but Hurley's not one of Widmore's monkeys. Charlie wants Hurley to “Sod off”, so Hurley brings out a gun, shoots him, and dumps him in the boot. Whattttt the?


8:50: Jack, Hurley and Kate are walking up a mountain on the Island, and Jack took the position because the Island is the only thing he hasn't screwed up (true that), and this would be nice, says Hurley, if they weren't all about to die. Over with Sawyer, spying in the bushes, but here comes Benry to shove a gun to his head. Is Sawyer psychic or something? Because Not!Locke really does want to destroy the Island. And Ben just got punched in the face again. The island on the bottom of the ocean? Wait, SidewaysLand? Okay, now my brain is fucked. He thinks there was a dog here, and he's right, VINCENT! And what the FUCK IT'S ROSE AND BERNARD WHOASERS. Rose an Bernard appear to live a harmonious, lonely but beautiful life in a lovely little cottage. They don't know what time they're in, but they've been here for a long time. Rose and Bernard broke their rule by talking to Desmond – they don't like getting into drama, and getting Desmond out of the well constitutes as drama. Not!Locke's here with Ben and he WANTS HIS DESMOND. Oh my god, I really need to paragraphise. NotLocke's like “come with me, or I'll kill them both”, and then “I'll make it hurt”, and Desmond makes him promise he'll never hurt them (obviously, he's lying, because drowning the Island totally doesn't count). AD BREAK THANK GOD, and Desmond is going with NotLocke. AHHH!


8:57: On the island, shit is happening. Literally. Desmond has no idea where NotLocke is taking him, but he thinks it involves a very bright light, and NotLocke is hearing things, and Ben oh my god has a walkie talkie and MILES had the other half, and he's found Alpert. I am so confused. Well, Alpert's not dead, but Blackie obviously doesn't give a shit about Alpert, and Guyliner Alpert wants to go blow up the plane.


9:01: Oh fuck, over in SidewaysLand, Miles is at his dad's concert, talking to Saw-dog on the phone, because he saw Sayid in Hurley's hummer, and Sawyer will be right there, and here's Sun in hospital, and it's so hard to read subtitles and write. Jin wants to keep running from Sun's father, and ohai nurse Juliet, because she knows all 'bout babies, and I think Sun recognizes Juliet. They don't speak English, and Juliet continues explaining despite this. Oh god, please be okay Baby. I don't need another dead baby. Sun is having Juliet Island flashbacks, and she remembers. And now Jin's island flashbacking and oh, this is soooo sweet, I hope he doesn't remember them dying. They remember their child, and their deaths. These flashbacks are getting depressing. Jin/Sun got so cute. Do they remember English now too? Juliet must be like “okay, you speak English now, why are you guys crying?” And why such perfect clarity? But very cute.


OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK. In other news, Red Team win on Masterchef. JOANNE GO HOME YOU BLUE BITCH.


9:09: Sawyer runs into Kate, Jack and Hurley on the hillside Island, and he's confirming that NotLocke/Blackie/Smokey/Floke whatever wants to blow up the island. Kate looks conflicted, as per usual. Quick cut to Jack doctoring in SideWaysLand, about to operate on REAL Locke, at which point they will obviously remember, unless Jack actually does kill him. That might be nice, except my only qualms are with NotLocke, not real Locke.


9:11: Quick cut back the Island, where a hell of a storm is brewing, and Miles and Richard are about to board a boat. Richard is aging – he just got his first grey hair. Richard now decides he wants to live, which is stupid. ON A BOAT with Miles and Sawyer and there's a dead body floating and OHAI FRANK what the fuck are you doing here? Oh right, explodey submarine, I remember. Luckily, Frank's a pilot. Over on the same bloody hillside, there's a fucking confrontation between Jack's gang and Locke's gang. Jack is kind of the obvious choice, really. We all knew, from episode one. Jack is MANNING UP, and I kind of like it – it's nice against all those tears. And then “I'mma kill you...in a surprise way!” from Jack to NOTLOCKE. AND OH MY GOSH.


9:15: Jack got the tickets and gave them to Juliet, who is David's mother (duh, saw that one coming), and David's going to invite Auntie Claire to the concert and in storms Sawyer, asking to see Sun. Over on the Island, Jack's Team Of Good are walking up another hill, and Jack thinks that Desmond is a “weapon”. They reach some kind of barrier, and it can only be Jack, Desmond and NOTLOCKE passing through, and Hurley does a nice little “I believe in you” for Jack, and then they leave. The bamboo field has a very convenient path, and hey look, it's the cave full of the pretty light. Desmond is going to get lowered into that light, and he's going to “go into another place” and “Jack, you know what the best thing is? You're in that place.” Wait so...SidewaysLand is heaven? But that's waaaay too easy. Jack's like “all of this matters” but it totally doesn't, and into the cave go the three intrepid explorers, and I must say, I'm not blown away by those special effects. ANOTHER AD BREAK I WANT TO FASTFORWARD.


9:26: Back at the concert in SidewaysLand, where Hurley is not allowed to tell Sayid why he's there, and Sayid just needs to have trust, like Hurley trusts him, because Hurley believes that Sayid is a good guy (hells yes, did you not watch Lost?) Hurley knows “A lot about you, dude.” And they're sitting in the hummer, watching a fight, and some girl just got hit, and who is it? It's...SHANNON? Eugh, of course. I want Boone! IAN SOMMERHALDER FOR THE WIN! YAY HERE'S BOONE! Sayid's over there macking on Shannon, that's nice, and Hurley's with Boone, because they win at awesome.


9:29: Miles and Ben are walkie talkie-ing. They're going to fly the plane away, not blow it up an HI CLAIRE CLAIRE WASSSUP? Claire's accent is going all haywire. Alpert's getting a little too close to Claire-Bear, and she's not going with them. Back in a cave somewhere (the cave of the pretty lights), they're lowering Desmond into the pretty lights. This is all kind of touching and intimate, but they're sort of enemies. Jack's all “YOU'RE NOT JOHN LOCKE SO JUST SHUT UP”. NotLocke's like “John Locke wasn't right about anything”, except most things, and we're going to leave on a shot of Jack and NotLocke glancing into pretty lights an PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT'S UP NOW. If I have time, I might put this on my blog and close up with some of my semi-academic thoughts (when I say semi-academic, I mean a coherent way of closing in which I evaluate my feelings on this bloody confusing show).


9:36: At the concert, Juliet is leaving David and Claire for the moment, and they're in line. Hi Charlotte. What are you doing Charlotte? She's following instructions. Charlie's lying on a couch with a classy sign on him reading “Bass Player – Wake before show”. Oh hi Daniel! FARADAY! Driveshaft are accompanying Daniel Widmore (see: Faraday) at the concert. Desmond's at the Claire Kate David table. So the concert is a benefit concert for the Museum, and it's Dr Pierre Chang from the Dharma videos! Anyhow, time for Daniel playing piano with Driveshaft (Charlie and his brother), and Charlie just saw Claire and I see a big awwwww moment coming on. Or at least, it would be, if Claire's baby hadn't started hurting and oh my go, broken waters? DRAMATIC MUSIC IS DRAMATIC!


9:39: In the cave, Desmond sees a shitload of skeletons, and the pool where the light is the brightest. Desmond is “special” so he's going straight up to the pretty light, and everything's shaking and he's nosebleeding and STOP IT DESMOND, LET GO! And the rock is being lifted up and the light is going out and the waters are stopping and oh my god? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO, DESMOND? And some form of eruption, explosion thing, and the Island's going to die and GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE I AM CONFUSED AND ALSO WHAT? And here comes Jack, punching the hell out of NotLocke, who is no longer immortal obviously, and Jack's been hit on the head and he's just lying there and ooooohhh wow, the light going out in the cave meant the light going out in NotLocke, but that renders Jack's candidate job pretty irrelevant, no?


9:46: Claire's baby's coming, and Kate's there to help her out, and oh hi Eloise. Desmond chose to ignore Eloise, which was stupid, because it's Eloise. I actually cannot understand a word you're saying. “Are you going to take my son with you?” she says. “No.” He responds. Over in the backstage, Claire's baby is coming right now, and Charlie's here to help out, and Claire hasn't remembered yet. Claire needs to push and what the fuck since when is Kate is midwife? And Kate's having flashbacks to when she helped Claire give birth on the Island and whoa, it's all so intense, here comes the baby methinks. Oh hi baby. That was the fastest. Labour. Ever. I take it Claire remembers, now she has her ickle baby Aaron. Charlie's wearing too much make up, please have Charlie flashbacks I love Charlie. When Charlie holds hands they have peanut butter flashbacks. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! THIS IS MY AWWWW MOMENT!!!! I love you Charlie!! I don't even know why!! Wow, this is ultra intense, dude just gave birth and now she's macking on Charlie, please let this be a reality. Here's Desmond, asking Kate if she gets it now.


9:51: Over on the Island a tree is falling down due to the earthquakey stormy non-light reality, in which Ben was just kind of crushed by the tree he went under to save Hurley (awww) and Jack went back into the cave, which was STUPID AS, and he can't find Desmond, and it's raining, and the island is intense. Miles is desperately trying to do some shit with the walkie talkie. Please just get Benry out from under the tree, he knows how to get to the other island, NotLocke has a boat. NotLocke's just watching this all pan out, and here's Jack, all Terminatored out, and they're going to fight to the death. And BAM Jack jumps in the air AND PLEASE NO HERE'S ANOTHER AD BREAK.


9:58: Epic battle to the death in the rain on an earthquakey island and no knife advantage now, please both fall into the ocean, Jack your livelihood does not bother me, stabnation on NotLocke's part, landslide, Jack is dying, NotLocke just got SHOT WHAT???????? WHAT???? AFTER ALL THAT HE CAN JUST GET SHOT? BY KATE? She's too late, apparently. Well, at least we got him dead. Shouldn't Jack be, like, worried about his blood loss.


10:00: In SidewaysLand, that cut of Jack's on his neck from LA X is bleeding a bit, obviously from when he got all stabbed on the Island. Locke is waking up, and Jack “did a good job” and “It worked” says Locke, which were Juliet's last thoughts oooooooh. Locke can totally feel his legs, whoa. Locke is flashing back now, about time. Now we've only got to flash back Jack, who remembers now (I TOTALLY CALLED THIS), and Locke's all “We need to go” and Locke's like “You don't have a son” and Jack's like “Um, I'm pretty sure I do” and Locke's like “I hope what somebody does for you what you just did for me” and liking Locke is hard after all the shit Man In Black did in his body. So when will Jack remember properly? Also, would like to point out that in Island land, Jack killed NotLocke, and in Sideways land, he kind of made RealLocke's life better. Hmmm. OKAY SHUT UP AD BREAK.


10:07: Kate is helping Jack and the rain has stopped and here come the rest of Jack's Gang of Good and Sawyer's like “Shit, NotLocke dead is a BAD thing” and “sure don't feel like it's over”.


10:08: In the hospital in SidewaysLand, Sawyer goes into Sun and Jin's room, and he's asking after Sayid, but Sun and Jin just stand there smiling and agree that they're sad and are like “We'll see you there” and apparently Sawyer also has no idea what's going on.


10:09: In the cockpit with Frank, Miles and Guyliner Alpert, and the island keeps shaking and Kate doesn't understand (get on board with me, Kate), and Kate's like “I need to put the light back” and Jack needs to do it, but Kate's selfish and like “NO YOU DON'T JACK I KIND OF LOVE YOU A LITTLE BIT”. Bitch best believe it. Sawyer and Jack having the big ole handshake, and Benry's decided he's going down with the Island, which is kind of cute in a sad, sad way, and Kate's got to go and get Claire on the plane (MAKE OUT ALREADY JACK/KATE) and Hurley's going with Jack and Jack/Kate are macking (CALLED IT), but dude, there's no time what the hell GET OFF THE FUCKING ISLAND and Kate's like “I love you” and Jack's like “I love you” and I'm like “DUDE SHUT UP AND FLY AWAY” and why doesn't Hurley get to go and be free? Hurley is my favourite! If Hurley dies, shit will fly. AD BREAK AGHGGGGGG.


10:14: Miles doesn't believe in a lot of things, but he believes in duct tape. Sawyer and Kate are making their way to the plane, and Lapidus is a snappy son-of-a-bitch, so what the hell, Sawyer and Kate are going to jump off a fucking cliff, because of course that's the only logical conclusion stupid idiot faces.


10:15: In the SidewaysLand hospital Sawyer says “thanks Doc” and nearly remembers, but doesn't. He wants to find food, and Suited Jack directs him to the vending machine and any bets that Candy is symbolic oh and hi Juliet. Juliet's being “hilarious” and Sawyer is trying to get his chocolate and bam, double flashback, totally expected that, dudes just get together already. “We should get coffee sometime” and damn, this episode is too sentimental. Sawyer/Juliet, though, is much cuter than bloody Jack/Kate (although a pair of selfish people who enjoy fucking up everyone else's lives might work well together) and Juliet and Sawyer are embracing and crying and oh my god, is everyone going to cry? Ad break.


10:22: Jack, a late douchebag, has finally arrived at the concert, and is taking out his cellphone. The concert's over, says Kate, who is gazing at him longingly, because she lurvvves him, and also she stole his pen on the Oceanic flight. Jack's like “but...how do I know you.” and Kate will totally kiss him so he remembers “I missed you so much”. Jack's the only one not embracing these memories, really. Kate's like “you will understand, don't worry”


10:25: The Jack-Hurley-Benry tag team are at the cave, and Hurley's all compassionate and “Desmond didn't make it, how will you?” and no one says anything and Hurley gets sad and goes all “YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE” and Jack's all “It needs to be you” and Hurley's like “BUT IT NEEDED TO BE YOU” and Jack's like “Only so I could do this” and I swear, this is the closest I've come to tears so far, because that is how much I adore Hurley and that was so, so cute, and Jack's got the bottle and he's making Hurley drink and passing on his leadership role, even though there is no more light, and Hurley finishes it and then he's like “so...that's it?” and Jack: “Now you're like me”. OH MY GOD DON'T KILL HURLEY PLEASE. At the plane, Frank's getting it started up and those guys surely won't just make it like that. Anyway, in the cave, Jack's getting lowered down, Hurley's freaking out, in comes Jack to superhero away, there's dead Desmond...please don't be dead, Desmond. DESMOND'S NOT DEAD. But Desmond's sad because he thought he'd leave this place an the shakiness is shaky, and Desmond needs to go home to be with his Penny please.


10:31: Over at the beach, Sawyer and Kate are getting Claire, and falling over, and Island is collapsing under the sea. The plane's not leaving with Kate and Sawyer, them bitches (FUCK YOU FRANK, I THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL). Claire's crazy, and she doesn't want Aaron to see her like this, and AGAIN YOU IDIOTS THERE IS NO TIME FOR MOMENTS LIKE THESE. RUN FOR THE FUCKING PLANE. Frank appears to be scaredicles and DON'T YOU DARE RUN OVER CLAIRE, SHE MIGHT BE CRAZY, BUT SHE'S AWESOME CRAZY.


10:33: HURRY UP AN TIE IT ALTOGETHER, SHOW! Can Jack please die now? In plugs the plug, thankyouJack, And Jack's lying there, nearly dead, and Claire and Kate and Sawyer are on the plane and holy fuck, take off now, I WANT TO SLEEP PLEASE, and Frank pushes down on the power, please don't all die. I can safely say it's going to be a very, very bumpy ride. They're all holding hands and praying they don't die and off they take, to some uplifting music. Every one's ilching in the back, surely happiness can only be short live on this show.


10:36: Jack's just in the cave, crying, and here come the water so...it worked? We has cave of pretty lights now. Jack's laughing crying now, and it's Desmond and Hurley's all “wait, Desmond? I WANT JACK. JACCCCCCCCCCCCK!” and Ad break.


10:41: Hello statue possibly of Jesus. And it's Real Locke in SidewaysLand in a taxicab outside the place where the concert was, or something, where Benry is sitting, and Ben is “very sorry for what he did” to John, because he was selfish and jealous and wanted everything he had, because Locke was “special” and Ben wasn't but dude, that's no reason to kill someone, but Locke forgives him, so it's all cool. Ben's got some things he needs to figure out, and Locke doesn't really need to be in that chair anymore, and up he gets, and please fall over, that would be hilarious. But no, Locke's legs work fine as he walks up stairs. Creepy music...


10:44: ...takes us back to the Island, where Hurley sits sadly, looking at the cave, hoping Jack will apparate from out of nowhere. Hurley's all sad...but it's his job now, and he doesn't know what to do, and Ben uncharacteristically says that he should do what he does best, and take care of people, and Hurley wants Benry to help him, firstly with Desmond. Awwwww.


10:45: Back to sideways land, Benry's on the same bench, and it's Hurley. Hurley wants Ben to come inside, but Ben wants to stay in sideways land. Hurley's like “You know, dude, you were a great number two”. Music sounds, because it's the arrival of Jack and Kate. Music is kind of eerie. Kate is sorry Jack's dad died, and no one is making any sense. So I take it “going inside” the building is like “going to heaven” and this is all some weird kind of “pre-afterlife”?


10:47: In Island land, Jack wakes up on a rock, out of a cave, covered in blood and pretty dead, but he's not dead yet, because Lost likes prolonging these things. In SidewaysLand, Jack enters the church through the back, past significant statues and such, and goes into a very little chapel or office or something, and that's where his dad's coffin is (Christian, what an appropriate name). Of course, Jack touches the coffin and has a remembrance flash, and remembers fucking things up and doctoring and running through crashes and Sawyer and Locke and telephones and Kate and nearly getting shot and glass and cuts and make outs on rocks and he opens the coffin and it's empty. Of course. My mum just goes “it's his coffin” and it SO TOTALLY IS oh hi Christian what's up? IS THIS THE PART WHERE IT ALL GETS EXPLAINED? Jack's like “you died...how are you here now” and Christian's all “how are you here?” and Jack “I died too” and he's crying because he's Jack and that's what he does and...is this at some weird point in the future after every one's died (what even David, the son that never was?) preparing them for heaven. So...it's all real? And they're all dead? “Everyone dies sometime, kiddo. Some of them before you, some long after you.” and “There is no 'now' here” and WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE CRYPTIC IN THEIR EXPLANATION? So...they wanted to find each other before they went to heaven, because their time on the island was the most important part of their lives. So...maybe Jack had the son AFTER the island and he died later and ohmigosh whatttt, and Jack needs to let go. Time for them all to “move on”. OH MY GOD WHAT ABOUT WHY ALL THE CREEPY SHIT ON THE ISLAND HAPPENED? NOT RELEVANT? They're all there dead, and Island Jack is wandering around, and HI BOONE I LOVE YOU, nearly there, and this is obviously the part where Island Jack dies so he gets to this place and wow, so even Aaron's dead? That's sad. Sucks that Claire had to go through labour in pre-afterlife. So we're watching Jack die in Island land, and sideways land takes place after this and OH MY GOD I THINK I UNDERSTAND. Ohai Vincent. Oh my god this is so sad...bye Plane, Jack crying, where's Michael, never mind OH MY GOD EYE CLOSING SYMBOLISM, LOST in non spinny italics. Wow.
 
 
So that was Lost. And unlike all you miserable selfish bastards, I actually quite enjoyed it. But I still don't understand how the hell David got to be, if Jack never had a son prior to or post the island, because he died there. That part still confuses me.
 
Because I don't want to kill you with information overload, the next entry will be Lost-themed too (shut up, I love cracked out television shows that don't answer questions) and will just contain my Lost pictures.