A Title That Is Relevent to the Post! Oh wait...no...

So in case you guys were wondering what I talk about with my friends on a bus, here's a brief list that summarises today's post-hell conversation. Want to know what it's about? In brief, you will read about chainsaws, axes, skin, slinkys, sun burns, Liora's no-swearing pact and rocks. We're weird, but you love it.

(We spoke about rocks, but that's all you're going to hear about it, so I kind of lied)


Axe Murderers

Sah started it all by discussing with Shardi how easy it would be to break into her house if she had an axe. We also began developing the profile of a serial axe breaker-in-er-er. But anyway. When we just so happened to see an axe nailed to a car next to the bus (A GENIUNE AXE. GENIUINELY), we were sent off again.

"Axe murderers are so cocky - they're all 'Haha, I don't even care if you know what I'm about to do to you, 'cause I've got an axe and there's nothing you can do about it' and then they axe you"

"They just ring the doorbells and walk on in. I mean, murder would be so easy with weaponry!"

And on that note...



Chainsaw Murderers

"Do these even exist?" I hear you asking. Well, yes. Yes they do. Basically, if you look "Chainsaw Murderer" on Urban Dictionary in a few days, you may very well read the following definition:

"Not dissimilar to an axe
murderer, except more hardcore and more capable of swifter, more efficient
kill.
Be careful who you open the door to, Johnny - I hear there's a
chainsaw murderer on the lose!"

Or, alternatively, you may not read that. I digress.

"Oh god, you thought axe murderers were bad - imagine a chainsaw murderer all up in your house - he'd have an excellent cover story too - 'Hey, I've been sent by the council to do a quick check of the trees in your backyard. Don't mind if I come through?'"
"'Hey, could you just put your ear up to that tree? I want to check the height.' 'Oh, sure' *KILLS*"

I also proved I'm disgusting with the imagery of getting stabbed with a chainsaw. Ouch.

Slinky Murderers
Oh, but we don't stop at chainsaws. Imagine the bloke who comes to your house with a slinky. "Hold on - I'll get on killing you in a minute, once I untangle this slinky - these things are an absolute bitch!" and then he just wraps it arounnd your throat and when that doesn't do the trick, stabnation's always an answer. But this is looking slightly death-obsessed, no? Well, how about the next one?

Being Stuck On A Desert Island
My friends now think I'm a creepy, human-flesh fetish holding sociopath who would be terrifying to stay on a desert island with - they were misinterpretting, I swear! Just because I commented on the fact that I enjoy peeling skin...hey, shut up, ya'll do it too. Sunburn peeling, dry glue peeling, round the nails...okay, I'll go now.

Alternatives to Swearing
On a pleasant note, Liora long ago took an oath to not swear, and she's doing tremendously, once we managed to argue to her that the word "bloody", when used as an adjective, is not swearing. Liora is still working on alternatives to her swearing, which was becoming a problem (what with her hanging out with me too much). Our current favourite is the little "SHUT THE F...ront door!" and "SHIT...ake mushrooms go really well when used in asian stir fry dishes".



Anyway, shut up, Masterchef's on.