I got to do a spit take for reals today! Also, "imagined movies". Psht.

About the title: A spit take! A REAL LIFE SPIT TAKE! Sure, I had to hear the statement, run to the bubbler and try again, but A SPIT TAKE. And I liked it, people. It felt liberating. Disgusting, but also liberating, and that's important.

And what are "imagined movies", I hear you ask? We have been assigned a project as a part of our Film topic in English. For it, the first part is to imagine up a movie. My group - a neat little well-oiled threesome of Liora, Sarah and I - have decided on a Romantic/Drama movie called What I Was or something along those lines (What I Once Was?), which I will knuckle out my ideas for this evening, in between reading over other people's Jewish History notes (it's not cheating, Mum, it's studying) and doing some Ivrit. Anyway, this whole idea of "imagined movies" got me thinking about what "imagined movies" I would like to see. And the following spin-off movies came to mind (spin offs, because please, I'm not that creative): basically, I decided that someone has to go and make a Charlie The Unicorn movie, like, now.

Also, am currently caught in an awkward situation, so I will get back to ya'll (yeah, all four of you).
Peace.

Random pictures: the My mum/Your Mum edition.
Credit to those to whom credit is due, because I steal pictures from facebook and fall in love with them.

Also, because I accidentally just saw this and laughed my head off:

Go read Growing Up Cullen, followed by EVERY SINGLE SEQUEL now please

A Survivor Liveblog - An Experiment. Skip it if you enjoy "normal".

This is what I do when I'm bored and watching Survivor, Lost, Desperate Housewives or some other things. A quick little review of what I emoted which watching this week's Australian aired episode of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains. So this will be an obscurely long post, skip it if you a) don't watch the show, b) get offended by swearing and excessive capitalisation and c) like "normal" blog posts. INCOMING:


Liveblog Review ™ -



Survivor – Heroes vs. Villains, Part Seven



8:42pm: I am an idiot an missed last week's liveblogging opportunity in order to do this weird thing some people call “homework” - as my newly gifted School Planner states “What is homework?” - so I believe this is part seven of my recapping expedition? Or possibly eight? I am unsure of what exactly is happening and this will be severly disjointed from the last one, and also I will possibly BLOG THIS I KNOW WHAT THE HELL RIGHT? And also when JT gave Russell the immunity idol in last week's episode I very literally closed my head in my computer. Anyhoodle.


8:45: So if they merge, Russell believes he's pulling all the strings, but only Parvati and Danielle know about the immunity idol (the other one, not Russell's). The heroes are totally convinced it's a Woman's alliance and JT is an idiot attempting to get out Parvati by tossing on the idol, WHICH WAS THE STUPIDEST THING EVER. So they laughed all the way to tribal council, where they voted out Courtney and damn, Sandra is PISSED and ya'll just know we'll have a merge. Also, if you've never read these before and you're on my blog and you don't watch this show, go fuck yourself. And maybe skip this entry? You'll see this occasionally. I liveblog Lost and Desperate Housewives religiously, and Survivor sporadically. And also some movies and special events and also one episode of Dr Who :)


8:47: JT's like “Dude, it's day 25, merge now plz? Kthnxbi”. Rupert hopes he's not pissing everybody off too much. Heroes have been told by mystical tree mail that “company will be arriving soon” so that's a merge symbol right there. Villains tree mail is a key, and a note (chorus: ooooo). The note is a map to Heroes camp and Sandra is HYPER and I totally hope she hits JT and sets this all straight. Basically, the Russell/Parvati/Danielle/Jerri plan is to tell JT that the idol was used, and they're going to try and send JT home and Sandra is creepily creeping around so shhhh you silly, silly people. Russell thinks he's got the only immunity idol in his pocket. I laugh at you, you sad little man. Shot of Villains, walking. OPENING CREDITS!


And ad break. Whatever. This isn't even TiVo'd so I can't fast forward. Frick.


8:55: Back at Heroes camp, there are Villains on the horizon and Rupert is smokey. Parvati claims she's the queen, and has to keep some secrets, and only her lady in waiting, Danielle, knows about it – oh my god, taking the analogy too far. The first thing JT noticed was...Parvati. He's like “oh, so Parvati must have also played an idol so there's no no idols in the game”. Hahahahahahaa JT fails at life. So it's the gratuitous part of the episode where they change buffs and feat on raw vegetables and a pig's head, and they need to think of a new name. Jerri's like “we're all Villains” but Rupert's like “BAD ATTITUDE, YA'LL” and I'm totally with him. Parvati is fanning herself regally and feeling left out of Russell's little circle, and none of the Heroes are happy that she's here, so she's thinking they'll vote for her. Oh, nice play - “do people think I'm stupid? Like, do they think I'm stupid?” “Yeah.” Thanks Danielle. Parvati will seek her revenge dananananananana. And I just missed a whole heap of Russell telling everyone how relieved he is and now JT's like “He's a solid, country boy. It's cool. Brother” - Dude, we may be on an Island, but you ain't Desmond.


9:01: Tropical music plays. Sandra is setting Rupert straight, because the Heroes aren't aware of the alliance, and SANDRA WANTS REVENGE. Rupert, please believe it. It is actually quite admirable the way Sandra plays this game, despite being a villains. Rupert doesn't know if they're getting played, but at least he's seeing a little clearer. “This is where the game gets crazy” - that, I agree with, dude. Ad break.


9:05: There is a big, tense moment about eggs, and being inspired. About eggs. Okay I am so dubious. JT is so oblivious to the fact that he's going home. The Villains keep eating, and Rupet's like “they are a greedy ass, eating ass, pain in the ass tribe”. They are, because these guys do not understand the shortage of food here. Rupert is attempting to confer with the other guys, and JT wholeheartedly believes Russell's shit, and everyone else is like “...okay, let's try a little test”. Oh my god, JT is so naïve. I LIKED HIM SO MUCH IN TOCHANSITICISIHS BUT SERIOUSLY, I WANT TO STAB HIM. “Do you believe Sandra, or the obvious truth?”. JT is like “if Sandra's telling me the truth, I'm gone next, but HHAHAHAHAHA that could never happen” oh my god please vote him out for funsies. Sandra has rigged herself up a balaclava.


9:09: Amanda is talking to Parvati, and Amanda, I like you (a lot, at this point of time), but if you fuck this up for Rupert, I will be pissed. Amanda is lying to Parvati but it's okay and WHAT PARVATI TOTALLY JUST SPILT THE IDOL! Wow, nice move Amanda. Also, they have a handshake. What? Ad break.


9:15: Jeff is being all hosty. The tribe is called “Yin Yang” which I like a bit. Jeff has taken back the idol OMG THAT IS TOTALLY OUT OF THE BLUE SINCE WHEN? (I am joking, catch sarcasm). Another challenge not disimilar to last week's balancing challenge, also sans puzzle, which is weird, but this time they're hanging onto poles for as long as possible and it's scary. Colby and Sandra were both failing and they decided to step down together. Ah well. It does look pretty goddamn hard. And is Rupert's toe still broken. Candace, Danielle, Parvati very solid, as is Amanda, except she's “low on the post”. Russell has stepped down but any bets he thinks he's safe. Candace looks completely unaffected. Rupert's stepped out. Danielle looks HOT (as in, boiling, not shmexy). Amanda has stepped out and as much as I have come to dislike Candace, I hope she wins. I'll shoot JT if he wins, but he did just make me laugh with the pretend fall, justified with an ACTUAL fall. Four people left - ROLL CALL! – Candace, who is hugging that pole; Danielle, who looks fucking unfomfortable; Jerri – likewise; Parvati – who is fucking amazing at this challenge. Jerri has stepped out after an hour and a half. Parvati was one leg balancing – what the fucking fuck. Parvati's doing the crouching frog. Candace is stepping down – WHY? WHY IN THE FUCKING WORLD? Candace, you are a fucking lunatic. Parvati is climbing down so Danielle can win, because Parvati has the idol. And for the boys, Danielle just got her boob out – damn, that boob job is terrible, but nicely covered by the immunity necklace. AD BREAK. Rupert, despite being insane, actually has the best scope on this game at the moment.


9:27: Over at Yin Yang, JT was kind of on to something but then I think he pretty much blew it. Um, the stepping down was kind of suspicious. They want to vote Jerri out, but when JT gets voted out, I hope it serves as an example. Sandra doesn't want to get in trouble, but she wants Russell out, and unfortunately, she's stuck with him. Russell is, wait for it, willing to give Parvati this immunity idol to SAVE HERSELF from elimination and OH MY GOD GIRL HAS BOTH IDOLS how the fuck is she doing it? She's realised what a dangerous player she is. Amanda is confuzzled. I think. But she acknowledges dangerousness.


9:32: Tribal time! Courtney and Coach are going to do some observing. And they're discussing Banana Ettiquete again and this is SO RANDOM. Danielle and Rupert are CLAWS OUT. Russell thinks that there's two seperate tribes and forget about bananas and shit. Jerri/JT shit. God, everyone has a bone to pick tonight? Courtney and Coach are discussing. Parvati feels like a leper and whoa Jeff good call - “is that because you're used to getting all the attention in life?” and Colby is playing ALL the angles. The idols are currently a “trending topic” per se. Danielle is keeping the necklace, but everyone else is fair game, so let's do this thang.


9:36: Completely un-strategically, Russell is voting JT, but it is irrelevent. Parvati is doing the same. Oh my god, please go home. Jerri is also voting JT, but Amanda's voting Jerri and so is Rupert and oh my god, are they trying to make this obvious so it's a surprise. Candace has also voted Jerri, because she's the least likely person to have the idol, and Courtney also has a good scope on the game, but unfortunately, she's out of the game. Jeff's going to “tally the votes”. Ad break. Ooh, the suspense is killing me. Come on, big ole end of episode twist! AHHH END OF AD BREAK I WANT TO BE ON TWITTER TO WATCH THIS PAN OUT. I am actually tripping with GLEE at this tribal council.


9:42: HOLY SHIT SANDRA IDOL? Haha, wrong person. And...WHAYTTEIWERNFTH IUDFNMIURENM JERRI IDOL??? HOLY SHIT!kbg8unfaj dojg nsz famnt gofgnb uatjr WHOA WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED OH MY GOD UHHHH??? PARVATI??? WHERE DID THAT EVEN COME FROM? Haha. Bye JT. Rupert knew they shouldn't have trusted that bitch. Two votes Jerri, but they don't count. And another. And another. And another. J.T, one vote. And another. And another. And that's enough. And Jeff's right, that shit was cray-cray.


And if this is the first recap of mine you've ever read, mazel tov on conquering it. That was a frickload of writing, right there.


9:45: Next week – Russell loses control, Sandra takes control (she wants to take down Russell, hello), and JT feels like a total idiot right now, and NOW he's learnt his lesson. Also, his major lesson was “don't trust women” - shut up you sexist prick, you.


'Til next time, amigos.
 

An Open Letter of Apology To Jack Bauer (and more apologising)

Dear Jack Bauer,

If you recall, a couple of days ago (see here, in the last-ish paragraph) I might or might not have said some things about you. I'm going to use this as an opportunity to make ammends, because I sure as hell do not want you on my back (in between all the, you know, world saving and stuff). See, my mum read that post - and she's a big fan - and she took offence for you. I don't distinctly recall saying anything remotely offensive, but alas, my mother is somewhat easily affected.

So I'm sorry I called you out on "BEING FUCKING HARDCORE". I understand now that swearing at you will probably only achieve angering you. I'd like to assure you that I meant it in a completely innocent (well, as innocent as that gets), friendly, admiring way. I may have said that I hate the show, but it's nothing personal. You are Jack freaking Bauer. You save the world. Keep on it, homeboy. That's a good career path to be the best in. The president trusts you, bro. I can't say that about myself, if we're keeping it between you and I.

Anyway, I'm glad we cleared this up, Jack. Keep on doing your thing. Saving the world, taking orders from the president, stopping terrorism and all that. It's pretty heroic and admirable and all. I'll stay out of your way.

Sincerely,
Sara
(I suppose ending with x's and o's would be a touch presumptuous?)


Anyway, I'm just sitting here, being me, and it's all good. I would also like to share with you a little text exchange that occured on the bus (in a complete joking fashion, I assure you) (Well, on his part, at least):

Me: If this text works, I have your number right. Also, make me a sandwich.
Mikey: Make me a beer and a sandwich while I do your best friend and watch the World Cup
Me: Sure, you sexist douche. Can the sandwich be a knuckle one? While I'm at it, should I grab one for your boyfriend?

Because that's the life I lead. Anyway, moving on:

I'd like to issue an official, Sara-authorised apology to everyone who has come/will come in contact with me this week. I've been on a bit of a bitch streak. I've been experiencing a few emotional "ups and downs" this week and I may be hazardous to touch, provoke or even come into the eye-line of. One minute I could be all civil and the nex

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PATHETIC, EASILY OFFENDED WEIRDOS.

I jest. But that's a pretty accurate example. Be careful.

RANDOM PICTURES FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT BUMPER EDITION:

(I love that show passionately)

(OH MY GOD GLEE ON THURSDAY) (OKAY THAT'S ALL)

"Hey, that sounds exactly like the beginning of that song!" "Which song?" "DUDE! THAT SONG! You know the one!" "Oh, that song"

I have, unintentionally, become a part of a band - temporarily, as far as I know. We don't have a name, but we can play three songs. Three! That's quite a full little repertoire there! Well, to be fair, they can play more, but I am only able to play three with them, and I'm quite terrible, and I'm not sure what my attitude is to the imminent embarrassment you just know is coming Sunday night. As they're all guys, this means I have to lend my vocals to songs by Green Day (yeah, I can get on board with that), Jimmy Eat World (HELL TO THE YES), and Bon Jovi (which unfortunately means I will have to sing things like "blood red nails on your fingertips" and "a school boy's dream, you act so shy" and I either have to change the lyrics or play the lesbian vibe. Hmm). I also spent a hell of a lot of time googling videos that makes me smile (see: 1, 2, 3, 4 by the Plain White Ts and It Had To Be You by Motion City Soundtrack).
Anyway, irrelevent. What I wanted to say was that this brought into my mind the old arguement of what I would name my imaginary band.

Literal drumroll, please.

Anyway, when people ask me what I would call a potential band, my safe answer that I tell them, which also rings massively true because it sounds freaking epic,  The Leopluradons, after the classic Charlie The Unicorn. I am a massive nerd. I could settle for, say Starfish Loves You as well. A Hunger That Only Hands Can Satisfy? A little bit long. Maybe The Letter Y because...yeah, wow, that's a gold mine. Thank you Jason.

I have pet names to. You know, things like Dirty Looks, Bad Vibes (the heading in a book of my mother's I read once that I adopted somewhat). Also on that list are Don't Do Drugs (because a positive healthy message is exactly what the kids of today need). Forgive/Forget - because I'm a fan of creative use of punctuation, also seen in something like Dance.Live.Dance. There's another big major one, but I'm not going to tell you it because I'm going to reserve it for when it actually happens - which will take a hell of a lot of work. Until then, I'm going to stuck with untitled band, at least for the duration of the week.

So I thought I'd let you guys into my head a little.
Actually, if you were to step into my mind right now, you'd get blasted at with "IT JUST TAKES SOME TIME, LITTLE GIRL, YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIDE, EVERYTHING EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE, EVERYTHING EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT ALRIGHT"

I am trying to memorise things. Shut up.

Also, long weekend has been fantastic for no real reason (seriously, my only social outings have been band practices, other than that it's been homework and movies with the family). I ate some Anzac biscuits on ANZAC day. I felt patriotic. School tomorrow and I'm so tempted just not to go.

Also, I accidentally wrote THE MOST EMO PIECE OF POETRY EVER. It did happen to involve the stanza:

She liked to run her fingers through the flesh

The soft skin on the underside of her arm

Leaving train tracks

Dots of scarlet

To remind herself that she was human

I'll leave you on that joyous, happen note.

What would you do if a wood chuck chucked, if a wood chuck would chuck wood? I would chuck the wood that the wood chuck chucked so the wood chuck wouldn't chuck wood

So, I went with Irrational Sara last night, and decided to make the trek to the Grandparents abode for dinner. Nothing happened. My life is so entertaining. However, the food was worth it - dude, I am a sucker for chicken soup. I managed to reign in the coughing and sneezing while we were there so as to not infect anyone as far as I'm aware. Irrational Me was quite satisfied with herself, so Rational Me took to sulking in the corner all night. Poor dear also wanted me to not have seconds - bless.

Here is my history test revision:

"There has been a lot of arguements, the say as to whether Dear Old England should have gone into the Fray, but right thinking people all wanted her to fight, for when there's shady business, Britannia puts it right" E Scott - The Official History of Australia in the War 1914-1918

"There are no longer liberalites and labourites, there are simply Australians who have vowed to keep the Union Jack flying" The Brisbane Courier, pg 6, 6th August 1914

"We will stand by [the mother country] to help and defend her to our last man and our last shilling" Andrew Fisher, The Argus, 1st August 1914

"When the Empire is at war, so is Australia at war" Joseph Cook, August 3rd 1914

"As Australia was at war, it was my duty as a free young man to enlist"
"My motives for enlisting were...a sense of duty to Australia"
"...Here was an opportunity to see the other side of the world"
"...what life would be like if Germany won"
All J.N.I Dawes & L.L Robson, Citizen to Soldier, Melbourne University Press, Melbourne, 1977

BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING ME TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WITH MY PROCRASTINATION TIME! Those are the quotes I've remembered so far as to personal and political reasons for going to war. I hate this topic so much. So, so, so much.

And meanwhile, on 24, Jack Bauer is BEING FUCKING HARDCORE. Like seriously, recovering for bullet wounds and "I only take commands from the president directly" shit. And also, I hate this show. Unlike How I Met Your Mother, which I'm watching again now for the third time. Come on, it's a marathon. And it has a musical number - or is it just me who's a sucker for musical numbers, particularly when combined with Neil Patrick Harris? Just me, then.

Am I indecisive? Um...can I have a few moments to think about that? Urm...

So you know how a while ago I had a multiple personality discussion with myself? I'm worried that we're going to have to make that other personality of mine (because here I present you with a hearty combination of both) a permanent fixture over here, because it's getting quite worrying. So as you know, I've been sick, and my grandparents are going away soon and it's Friday night and there a big debate as to whether or not I should go at risk of infecting everyone with my death disease (NB: I have been referred to in the past as a "drama queen").





The Players


Me (r) - rational; likes cooked food and nicely prepared meals; wears shoes that fit (and carries a spare pair of socks); reads heavy novels and rational, entertaining non fiction; watches educational television (MasterChef gets a pass) and movies with messages; is the voice of reason amongst friends; protects her skin sufficiently from the sun


Me (i) - irrational; eats raw cake batter and cookie dough, as well as foods which don't require actual cooking and fast food; doesn't wear shoes often enough (ones that fit, at least); reads ridiculous romances and teenage fiction religiously; watches reality television (Survivor, note) and cheesy rom-coms (with or without the "rom" part is fine); is a complete random with no awareness of social cues; goes to the beach and gets sunburnt in twenty seconds








Me (r): So how are you feeling?


Me (i): I'm DYING. DYING I TELL YOU.


Me (r): Dude, you've been sick for three days. If you were going to die, you'd have died already. I'm feeling...a little unwell, but better than I have been feeling, it has to be said.


Me (i): Haha, yeah, I don't care. Anyway, dinner tonight.


Me (r): I know. We're in a bit of a conundrum, aren't we?


Me (i): Oh, it's so cute how you think you can use that word seriously. You're adorable. Anyway, I'm hungry, so I'm going.


Me (r): But they'll bring you a plate regardless! And we don't want to infect Sonia - she just came out of hospital!


Me (i): Yeah, for a freaking broken foot or something. Besides, it's not the same.


Me (r): I know what you mean, but we can't just think about ourselves. The grandparents are going away to Canada. Have their health in mind.


Me (i): Yeah, but...STRAWBERRY SNOW. DUDE.


Me (r): I admit, that's a really good point. In fact, very persuasive. You do realise, though, that everyone will just avoid us all night because we're all plagued out, and to be avoided? If we so much as sneeze, you just know everyone will jump up and go "DO YOU WANT TO GO LIE DOWN?"


Me (i): So I won't sneeze. I'll implode my nose.


Me (r): This is why I'm the rational one.


Me (i): Hey, they're eating pumpkin on Masterchef. Do you want some crackers with pesto aoli? 'Cause I can totally do that for you. We can share. You know we love aoli.


Me (r): True...





And then the argument never gets resolved, because yet again, I distract myself with false promises. Usually of food. Do I come off as a pig?


Don't answer that.





I just noted that both rational and irrational me are partial to the word "dude". That is an unfortunate reflection on my personality.

How To De-Bone Your Quail (And Other Unneccessary Capitalization)

Because I'm sick today, here is what's on my agenda, and what each step entails:

1. Watch last night's episode of MasterChef. Laugh at the ridiculousness. Become obsessed with the word quail. Note to self how important it is to sucessfully de-bone your quail, as per the title of this post. Pretend to be Matt Preston. Get hungry. Feel nauseous at the thought of excessively rich food. Remember that acorns are poisonous to humans. Damn squirrels. Love the use of the word "pillowy" as a serious adjective for food. Love the pronunciation of the word "gnochi" but be unsure how to spell it.


2. Take a couple of panadol, which was my intention this morning until I forgot, and then accidentally kept forgetting. I will get there. Once MasterChef's finished (is it sad that MasterChef is one of my most frequently used labels?). Alternatively, a cold and fly tablet. I might do that.


3. Watch Lost (again) - "Everybody Loves Hurley" (ESPECIALLY ME!) - so I can liveblog it (I really should post my liveblogs. Maybe I'll add a page to my blog) even though I've seen it already and just felt too sick to write about it.


4. Heat up a mug of soup and eat it, after a brief confusion about which spoon to use. Hopefully manage to add a correct amount of salt and pepper without accidentally heaping the entire salt shaker into my mug, as per last time.


5. Check the mail. There won't be any mail, because our post man (lady?) is a lazy bugger and appears to just decide not to do it some days. Check again periodically, if I can drag myself off the couch.


6. Start watching some meaningless fluff - Win A Date With Tad Hamilton, anyone? Probably fall asleep. Overheat, thrash around a bit, change pants.


7. Determine whether or not I'm well enough to attend Friday Night dinner - my grandparents don't want me there because I could spray my aerosol germs around and infect them all with the plague before they go to Canada/Chicago/Singapore OH MY GOD MYSTERY BOX CHANLLENGE NET WEEK anyway as I was saying everybody hates me.


8. Try and sleep. Fail. Eat chips.


9. Salvage three month old episodes of The IT Crowd out of TiVo's "Recently Deleted" folder because it never fails to make me laugh.


10. Sigh.


11. Repeat step 10. Multiple times. Cough a bit as well. Sniffle. Think about doing something else. Repeat step 10 again.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm off to possibly add another page. Don't go eating any acorns on me.

I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really want to swear right now

But I won't.

That's how rubbish I feel.

Also, I'm massively craving hot chips.

And warmth. I was hot before, but no longer.

And I'm wearing the shirt Liora bought for me in Israel.

And this song is excessively, massively catchy and I want to sing except I can't.



And that ad for the Navy they slotted into So You Think You Can Dance was shitty.



Well, there goes the not swearing thing.




I attempted to watch Lost today while sick. What did I take from it? Pretty much that Hurley is awesome. That's all I took from it.

...And I Love You (very relevent!)

Technically, I shouldn't be posting this, because hundreds and thousands of tiny little germs are donning their hard hats and armour and pelting me with tiny little bullets that aren't enough to break me, but are very slowly wearing me down until I can't move. Dude, I actually slept in the afternoon. That is the opposite of what I would usually do - I can't afternoon sleep. And I did. That's how intense it is.



I'm doing this because I promised I would, so Sah over at Drawer Of Birds can steal it and put it on her blog, and because I believe it's geniuinely hilarious, although I am dying of illness, which may have somewhat impaired my sense of humour. Anyway, have any of ya'll read the poem "The Muffins Got Stuck Today" by John Laws? Well, here it is!



"The muffins got stuck today

I never know the difference between muffins and crumpets

But they would have stuck anyway

And I love you.



My watch stopped today

And I didn't have five cents to ring up the man

And he might have been wrong anyway

And I love you.



I ripped my jeans today

Rips give character anyway

And I was busting my pants to see you

And I love you.



My heart stopped thinking today

It stopped at the thought

That you might want to know it that way.

If that is so let it quietly layAs it cannot amount to anything

Any other way

Without you.

And I love you."



So my friends and I are hilariously witty, and the following is an exchange that occurred during a very educational discussion of the aforementioned poem (and "The Sunne Rising" by John Dunne - I hope that's how you spell his name, because it makes it sound more comedic). My words are in bold, Sarah's in normal and Liora's in italics. Commentry I've added is in red because my mum might read this, and some probably needs a little explanation. Turns out, some things seem even worse when massively out of context. Also, all of mine are true to some extent. I can't say the same for most of Sarah's.



A poem I like to refer to as...(dramatic pause)...And I Love You



I ate some chocolate today

But you'd steal it, because you're a massive chocolate whore (...you might have noticed an in joke there)

I probably deserved it after stealing your freddo anyway

And I love you.



My cable turned off today

It's probably because I didn't pay the bills

I didn't even like the Lifestyle Channel anyway

And I love you.



I bitched about someone's shirt today

Then I realized everyone was wearing the same one

It's ugly anyway

And I love you.



I ran out of toothpaste today

The procrastination monster wouldn't let me get more

I don't feel like brushing my teeth anyway (Sah would like the stress that this DIDN'T HAPPEN!)

And I love you.



I ate baked potatoes today (last night, really)

What I really wanted was oven chips (sorry mum)

I ate them anyway

And I love you.



I found a wrinkle in my shirt today

I was in the mood for a crease free shirt

I never iron anyway

And I love you.



I had a conversation about writing evaluations today

I don't give a shit about evaluations

Who cares about shit poetry anyway?

And I love you.



I found a moth in my show today

I didn't want to wear the shoe anymore

I wore it anyway

And I love you.



My mum made me toast today

It didn't get stuck, au cantrere

I didn't want it to get stuck anyway.

And I love you.



I wanted pancakes today

We didn't have any so I had toast

The toast was nice anyway

And I love you.



A teacher spoke about sexual arousal today (there was context, I swear. He's not a pervert.)

It made me feel extremely uncomfortable (because I have immaturity issues)

I listened anyway (because I had to)

And I love you.



I tripped over a rouge brick today

It made me hurt my toe

I would have tripped over something anyway

And I love you.



I thought about eating a pop tart today

It was sitting in its packet under a pile of crackers

Really, I wasn't going to eat it anyway.
And I love you.



A teacher suggested we "give it to the man" today

It made me feel like I was travelling in time

I wouldn't have given it to the man anyway

And I love you.



A friend used the words "give it to the man" in a poem today

I automatically thought about sex (blame the crowd I hang out with. They still think like ten year olds)

I would've done regardless.

And I love you.



A friend didn't respon to my last stanza today

I was offended

She's cool anyway.

And I love you.



I yelled at my friend today

I got very worked up

I'm sorry anyway (this was real, and I forgave her) :)

And I love you.



My mum agreed to let me stay at a friend's today

For several days, while she's away

Bitch gets to go to New Zealand anyway! (I love you mum, lucky cow)

And I love you.



I smelt some petrol today

The fumes are really bad for me

I like them anyway

And I love you.



I had a baby today

It was really not fun

It's not yours anyway.

And I love you.



I felt like being crude today

So I wrote a sexual innuendo

Or should I say, in-your-end-o? Whatever, anyway. (Oh god, I am so sorry)

And I love your mum.



I went to space today (I swear this geniuinely happened)

I met some aliens who ate me

I would have been eaten anyway

And I love you.



A bird moved into my beard today

Its "cheep"s keep me awake

I would have bought a bird anyway.

And I love you.



(Insert applause. God that took me ages, especially in compared to the rest of my posts. Obviously, when it was composed, my killer germs were being pacified by Sudafed. Now they have been set lose and they have tasted blood. And speaking of blood, a bonus for you!)



BONUS STANZA:

I chainsaw murdered someone today

And then I tried to cover up the evidence with guilt

I'm probably a manic sociopath anyway.

And I love you.





Also, a bonus thing I found in my notebook, after being given a ridiculous Geography project):



Australia:

When G-d made our animals, he was clearly having a laugh. Or drunk.



Geography:

When we wrote our projects, they were clearly only interested in torturing children. Or drunk.





That's all, amigos!

A Title That Is Relevent to the Post! Oh wait...no...

So in case you guys were wondering what I talk about with my friends on a bus, here's a brief list that summarises today's post-hell conversation. Want to know what it's about? In brief, you will read about chainsaws, axes, skin, slinkys, sun burns, Liora's no-swearing pact and rocks. We're weird, but you love it.

(We spoke about rocks, but that's all you're going to hear about it, so I kind of lied)


Axe Murderers

Sah started it all by discussing with Shardi how easy it would be to break into her house if she had an axe. We also began developing the profile of a serial axe breaker-in-er-er. But anyway. When we just so happened to see an axe nailed to a car next to the bus (A GENIUNE AXE. GENIUINELY), we were sent off again.

"Axe murderers are so cocky - they're all 'Haha, I don't even care if you know what I'm about to do to you, 'cause I've got an axe and there's nothing you can do about it' and then they axe you"

"They just ring the doorbells and walk on in. I mean, murder would be so easy with weaponry!"

And on that note...



Chainsaw Murderers

"Do these even exist?" I hear you asking. Well, yes. Yes they do. Basically, if you look "Chainsaw Murderer" on Urban Dictionary in a few days, you may very well read the following definition:

"Not dissimilar to an axe
murderer, except more hardcore and more capable of swifter, more efficient
kill.
Be careful who you open the door to, Johnny - I hear there's a
chainsaw murderer on the lose!"

Or, alternatively, you may not read that. I digress.

"Oh god, you thought axe murderers were bad - imagine a chainsaw murderer all up in your house - he'd have an excellent cover story too - 'Hey, I've been sent by the council to do a quick check of the trees in your backyard. Don't mind if I come through?'"
"'Hey, could you just put your ear up to that tree? I want to check the height.' 'Oh, sure' *KILLS*"

I also proved I'm disgusting with the imagery of getting stabbed with a chainsaw. Ouch.

Slinky Murderers
Oh, but we don't stop at chainsaws. Imagine the bloke who comes to your house with a slinky. "Hold on - I'll get on killing you in a minute, once I untangle this slinky - these things are an absolute bitch!" and then he just wraps it arounnd your throat and when that doesn't do the trick, stabnation's always an answer. But this is looking slightly death-obsessed, no? Well, how about the next one?

Being Stuck On A Desert Island
My friends now think I'm a creepy, human-flesh fetish holding sociopath who would be terrifying to stay on a desert island with - they were misinterpretting, I swear! Just because I commented on the fact that I enjoy peeling skin...hey, shut up, ya'll do it too. Sunburn peeling, dry glue peeling, round the nails...okay, I'll go now.

Alternatives to Swearing
On a pleasant note, Liora long ago took an oath to not swear, and she's doing tremendously, once we managed to argue to her that the word "bloody", when used as an adjective, is not swearing. Liora is still working on alternatives to her swearing, which was becoming a problem (what with her hanging out with me too much). Our current favourite is the little "SHUT THE F...ront door!" and "SHIT...ake mushrooms go really well when used in asian stir fry dishes".



Anyway, shut up, Masterchef's on.

About Darwin

Okay, come closer so I can tell you a secret: this post has nothing to do with Darwin. I'm sorry all you enthusiasts. Would you like me to say Darwin several times to make impact? DARWIN. DARWIN. DARWIN. DARWIN. You can go now. Sorry. But what I did promise you last time was a string of random disjointed words, and regardless of the fact that I totally just made that up (although you will find the words "random disjointed words" in the last post, so if I were a kindegardener, I would blow a raspberry right now), it's about all I have time for at the moment before I head of to hell:



Wait, did I just say hell? I meant...never mind.



ANYWAY:



Lemon

Baguette

Brioche

Pencil

Hippopotamus

Television

Monstrosity

Meadow

King

Adage

Aquamarine

Baby

Frame

Salt

Elizabeth

Denial

Laneway

Vicissitudes

Arachnaphobic

Pallindrome

Banananananana

Sasquatch

Demountable

Prophet

Wine

Napkin

Music

Freezer

Fuck

Cool

Grinder

Handle

Brick

Wood

Vacation

Tiger


Awesome



Okay. Good. See my subtle transition? Oh wait, no, I interrpted it. Next time, take note of my brilliant transitions without me pointing them out and ruining their brilliant transition-ness. Okay. Moving on to the point I was trying to make transit to before these rubbish words got in the way.

SHOUT OUT FOR DANYA, THE QUEEN OF LEGENDARY.
And the rest of ya'll. I propose a toast.

To being the coolest people I know, and also for managing to be people I don't hate most of the time. That makes you pretty awesome.

University of California Museum of Paleontology

If you were looking for information on the University of California Museum of Paleontology, I'm issuing a formal apology. I don't even know what it means. Especially because you can pretty much reason that it was some random thing I wrote in google while attempting to finish a Science project. I have nothing to write about. If I keep doing this, I'm going to run out of steam in a month. Less than. THAT'S WHY I NEVER FINISH MY BLOGS. And by "finish" I mean "continue for longer than a month".





So I need to write about something, or my posts will end up looking like disjointed strings of random words (unless, of course, that's what they are), so this little blog post is going to be about food. And there may, at the bottom, be a semi rational review on Matt Smith as The Doctor* (Warning: I am that much of a nerd, and I am proud of it) because really, his haircut gets on my nerves. Anyway, you might have noticed the word food in that sentence.





But why?


Well, MASTERCHEF TONIGHT! Am I the only one who is irrationally excited about the return of the show? Am I, Australia? I don't even think it's just me. If it was just me, I would be sad. That would be a sad, sad day in Australian history. And I am that uncool. Anyway, food.





FOOD. It's a thing that we need for sustanance. I enjoy it. If you spell it backwards, it's "doof", like the sound that my dad pretends speakers make when he's pretending to be young and "hip". Sometimes "food" isn't even food, like when it's alcoholic whipped cream or Japanese. Food isn't always good or bad - in fact, I ate Cookie Bread, and I still have no idea if it was nice or not. Food is a four letter word, and so is pill, and doll, and bind, and even fuck (that handy little word). If you change the first letter, you can make "good" or even the phonetic version of the word "dude" - you know, "dood". That, and I'm hungry.





So, that was a little prompt about food in a desperate attempt to create something that kind of resembled a post. If you got this far, congratulations, make me sandwhich or find somewhere that sells crunchies and hand feed them to me. I also like coconut.





That's a picture especially for Liora, who better damn read this (that's right, if you're cool, you too can get a personal shout out). It makes me smile, and it's about food, which is a DOUBLE WHAMMY.
Also, the new bins at our school look like "daleks wearing hats". They are actually the coolest bins I have seen in ages. They're all space age and stationary and fan-bloody-tastic. I just thought I'd make a big deal about them because no one else at my school seems to think it's necessary.

*UPDATE: On a semi-academic, unfunny note, I'm moderately happy. He's going to grow on me. The haircut will take a lot of getting used to, but the acting's fine. I don't like that he seems less bemused by the action around him (a la David Tennant) and just plain cocky. The plot wasn't the strongest for a starter episode, but I'm liking the companion - on my scale of companions, at this point of time she's ahead of Rose and under Donna (although I am a minority, liking Donna). She actually seems witty, and doesn't just trust him implicitly and actually gives him a challenge, so let's see what happens.

Can sound energy be used to power electrical devices?

Isn't that the question on everyones' minds? I don't even know the answer, but I pretended to. My trickery is clever. But on to the really important stuff:



Remember how ages and ages ago, sexy had some really severe family traumas and had a breakdown, disappearing from our radars? I mean, Justin Timberlake brought it back for a while there, but when people started ignoring sexy, it felt excluded, and fell back into obscurity. Well guess what?



SEXY'S BACK (you guys better believe it)!



And it's all me - I lured sexy out of its cave with snacks, drugged it, cleaned it up a bit for public exhibition and it's sitting right here. See, right now, to say "I'm bringing sexy back" about myself would be hilariously accurate.



Picture this: black leather shoes with odd shoelaces, moving up to navy blue knee high socks; a dash of bare leg; a shapeless, itchy skirt and an even sexier crumpled, shapeless shirt that is way too small for me (stop drooling, it's not a good look. Your mother would be ashamed); a bare neck (whoaaaa, hold your horses, boys); a ridiculously awful ponytail in a glorious dyed hue, that if taken out of said ponytail could possibly be misconstrued as sexy.....



Phwoar, that was just too much for you guys, wasn't it? Baby steps? Alright, next time I'll start small before overwhelming you with zingers like those.



Anyway, it's the first day of school for the second term and there is nothing else on my mind apart from how much I hate people, blazers, my school uniform and waking up early when it's not on my own terms.



Wish me luck.


Because next time you pose for a photo, this is how to make sexy quiver in its boots.

What Controls Variation in Human Skin Colour?

THINGS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW:



Who are you?
Hi, I'm Sara. That's at least one thing in this post that you didn't really need to know, so it's okay. Besides, I forgive you for all your sins, so I don't need any big, expressive blog post that flaunts my excellence. Please, I'm too cool for that.
I like beaches at night time, reading recipe books, watching reruns, bad jokes, comedy quiz shows, starting projects which I never finish, procrastinating, critiscising clothing and hairstyles of people on television and having the sense of humour of a pubescent twelve year old. Part of that doesn't apply to me any more.


I don't like racism, people who are flexible, people who are pretty, people who are better than me at anything, people who use apostrophes wrong (unless it's me), people who talk to blenders, people who are bitchy (apart from me, and lots of other people. Scratch that whole comment), people who are smarter than me, people who are smarter than me but act dumb because they think it's cool, people who are skinnier than me, people who are funnier than me, people with bad haircuts, people with really good haircuts, people who flaunt their inherent awesomeness in my face, people who yell at things unneccessarily, people who give into other people too easily, people who are too stubborn, people who are seriously spoilt, people who can cook better than me, people who are eating chocolate right now, oh, and not eating chocolate.

Why a blog? AND WHY NOW?
Blame Sarah. It was all her fault. Alternatively, follow her, because she's a legend. http://www.drawerofbirds.blogspot.com/. I would strongly adivse you go there. I'm essentially a cooler, funnier, less crazy version of that. Or am I? You'll never know. Or will you? Well, there's a reason to follow this blog.

Blogs are good. People often tell me I should write one. And as I've failed at everything else I've ever attempted (I'm talking twitter - which ya'll need to follow -, tumblr, livejournal, a CoS over at Mugglenet Interactive, another blogspot, a myspace...), I decided to try one more time, if only to SHOVE IT IN SARAH'S FACE. THAT'S RIGHT, BITCH. Oh yeah. Disclaimer: I reserve the right to critiscise other your spelling, grammar, language, overuse of capitals (oh wait, no, never that, I encourage hearty use of the poor, neglected Caps Lock key) anything...however, if you poke a finger at me, I will smash your face in. Figuratively.

So...what does control variation in human skin colour?
I have no idea. Google it.

See, when I started typing in a witty, hilarious, creative, eye catching title, I got distracted by the drop down list of other things I've typed into boxes in the past. Thus, I put this as my title. I should warn you, that I'm really, really, really bad at being creative. And I tend to rant. And I have this weird tendency to not be funny. I'm sorry in advance.

I think awesomeness causes variation in skin colour. In a not-racist way. I mean, if you're awesome, you're comfortable with your skin colour and feel no need to tan, burn and poke it into submission (poking cures everything). So it will be natural, and thus awesome, much like you. However...this is not always accurate.

Here's a quick test.

Look at your arm.
Stand up.
Walk to somewhere with ultraviolet light.
Scratch your knee.
Lick your elbow.
If that fails, seductively lick your finger.
If it tastes like self tanner, you're doing it wrong.

And by "it" I mean "being awesome"


If I were to be, say, cooking you a delicious meal right now, what would you suggest I do?
I really feel like a crepe. So if you happen to be an amazing French chef, I'd be totally cool if you just popped up at my house with an abundance of crepes, because I really, really want one. See, knowing people who are French is great for hundreds of reasons, but it has the downside of getting an individual hooked on crepes. Unfortunately, I am currently in that predicament.


So, you sound bored. Tell me something else I didn't need to know.
Well, I have the first day of the second term of the ninth year (tenth?) of my schooling approaching tomorrow. Amount of holiday homework done? Very little. I wouldn't go as far as to say half. Maybe a quarter. Possible a third. I also have an aching, aching throat and a terribly sore leg from my attendance at a recent dance camp (don't judge me) in which I (and a group of 9-14 year olds, including the Drawer of Birds herself) performed what I have aptly named "The Stripper Move". Also, I love people, except the combined group of people I hate, which makes up the vast majority of the people I come into accquaintance with, so I suppose you could say that I'm just going to have to hang out all day for ten weeks with people who I hate, apart from the people who I don't.



What are you doing right now?
Watching The Biggest Loser finale, half heartedly, because I haven't been following the show. Oh, and I don't particularly care.

Getting angry at my computer for failing.

Avoiding talking to people of facebook.

Mentally debating getting a flu shot*

Writing a blog post that is now officially way too long so I'll close it with a picture. I might do this occasionally.

(A special picture for Sah, because she WILL read this, yo)

*This debate went:

Me (rational): Girl, you are pretty obviously dying of the flu. GET A SHOT.

Me (petrified of needles, irrational and super naive): Dude, do I look like I need a flu shot? I'M PERFECTLY HEALTHY

Me (r): You're insane, right? You're practically in a coma.

Me (i): But...NEEDLES HURT. HURTTTTTTT. In a very painful way. You don't like pain either, bitch.

Me (r): Bitch better not be calling me bitch.

Me (i): Bitch totally just did.

Me (r): Argh, you distracted me. Seriously though, the flu is affecting younger people now, not just old hags and bag people and your crazy relatives. And not everyone reacts to it the way mum does.
Me (i): Haha, you're so pretty Sara. Did anyone ever tell you that? And really funny. Seriously, you should do stand up. People will love you.

Me (r): Dude, I already know that (yes, this is rational me, shut up). Complimenting me will not help your case.

Me (i): What case? I'm your best friend. Let's go to see a movie. You want to see Date Night, yeah?

Me (r): And we could stop at the doctor for a flu shot!

Me (i): Hey, do you want a chocolate? Let's get chocolate.

And now I'm going to eat chocolate.

Seriously kids, the flu's a serious thing. Trust me, I'm half-dead here and I don't even have it, so ya'll know I'm susceptible (unless the tiredness is making me think I'm sick). So if your parents say "Hey, you should think about getting a flu shot", actually think about it. Not like me.

Damn, this is like two posts in one. SUCK IT.